How to redefine yourself after lifetimes changes
Throughout our lifetime, we have all these different roles we play. Being a daughter, a wife, a mother, and mother-in-law, grandmother, and daughter-in-law. Naturally, this goes for men as well, yet I can only witness this from my point of view. These are the roles we play on a personal level. Not the ones we play at work, school, or sports for instance.
It would take me too far to cover all these different exchanges. For me, there is this new process going on after the departure of my loved one. My family is looking at me with different eyes. I am a widow now. This also changes my role within my family-in-law. Since he was the link between them and me.
They all grieve his loss differently and manners. As we actually all do in our own way, the loss of a father, grandfather, or son and brother holds a different kind of energy and bonding. Yet that is not the only thing that changed. By having to say goodbye to my partner, I also lost my partner. So accustomed to the way we both interacted and found our way over the years to communicate with each other.
Like he was my sounding board, for me to express my emotions and feelings with experiences I had, or emotions I felt. Talking to him, just needing a listening eye, enabled me to work through the layers to come to the root of every stuck energy. It allowed me to create my own balance again, just verbalizing the motion through the domino effect. Because that is the way it works in my head. The thoughts come and go as swiftly as the domino stones will tumble with one small touch.
I loved the mornings when I could lay in bed and talk with him. I miss those moments. Furthermore, I miss not just the way we loved and cared for each other. It is also the way we could exchange even without words. The process of being complementary, for therein lies our strength and power. The ability to acknowledge and love the differences and use them for enhancing our growth and life expressions.
Now I am at this crossroads of learning new ways to work through my issues, emotions, and anything that comes up because of this life change in my life. This is new territory. It takes a lot of searching within to find out what it is I need to work through my internal processes. I need this invitation to speak up, to be able to go through the motions of my domino mind. To my surprise, someone else steps up to the plate, so to speak. Not in the same way, yet the invitation of speaking my mind and showing my emotions, talking my way through all that is being triggered was clear.
How fortunate and grateful I am with someone as close as she is. Looking out for me, taking care of me when I need it. Just caring for me and also both able to share our feelings and emotions, our vulnerability as well our grief. Our daughter, who looks so much like her dad in many ways. Her role also changes after letting go of her dad, whom she loves so much. Her anchor through her life, always there for her in an unconditionally loving way.
We have to tread very carefully in this process. She will be inviting me to express my feelings and emotions and at the same time, we are in this mother-daughter energy exchange as well. We can support each other through these emotions, yet I am careful with the information I want or can share because of their intimacy of them. My partnership is not the same as her being the daughter. I don't want to burden her with my insecurities or pain. I think this is common, being the parent. Yet, at a certain age, the relationship becomes more equal and full-grown.
So here I am adjusting to my new role as a widow, with all the changes that this brings up. My role with my family-in-law changed drastically as well. As much as I was connected with them over the past 43 years, my love was the link between them and me. They are grieving the loss of their brother and son. This is also changing the dynamics in this family. Of which I am no longer a direct part. This is also part of my grievance, the loss of this connection isn't a major issue, yet it is a reality, and therefore I have to deal with it in my own way.
Stepping out of this way, taking my distance, my relationship with my family is growing more clearly now. Some will not be part of my life any longer, others will. We all are adjusting and trying to find our balance and connection again. To me, this requires a different way to communicate with myself. I need to find a way that allows me to be my own soundboard, so to speak. Not just verbally out loud, so I come to conclusions, I have to learn to be my own sparring partner. How something can grow on you after so many years. How much I also loved him for enabling me to speak my truth.
More changes will come up, no doubt, this is just a temporary moment in my now time. I can only observe and reflect on my inner turbulence at times. To be my own mirror and reflection all in one. So when I get all tangled up in the emotions I picture you next to me, beside me, inside me in order to reconnect with a familiar feeling of love and be loved. This is so ingrained in my system, all it takes is to close my eyes and find you there in my heart.
I need to create this energy of love, an inner listener, in order to ventilate and create new ways to express myself. I know it already exists within me, yet this is of a different order, so to speak. All I need is this loving, compassionate kindness that comes with it. This time I have to go back to my inner source as well to find it. I have to redefine myself again after being a partner and lover on the outside. This time I have to partner up with the same unconditional love on the inside.
And so it will be done.
High Self @RheaDopmeijer ©
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