Yep. I'm getting close to rock-bottom mental health wise, guys.
I'm not in good shape and am getting worse every day.
Mostly, I'm sooo tired. I'm so tired my bones ache.
As much as I've been politely, lovingly declining social invitations so I could conserve energy for my monthly visit with my little nephew, today I couldn't not be there for the personal invitation from my bonus parents Pete and Lyn for Lyn's 65th birthday.
Lyn has always understood me.
She makes me feel seen and heard (Pete does, too). Lyn's birthday is tomorrow and Pete booked out a venue space for her to have a party with loved ones at a really beautiful pub we have here in Perth - called "the Rose and Crown". It's a gorgeous outdoor setting with gumtrees, loads of seating in a beautiful 'bushland' setting. I think Lyn said about 20-25 of their closest friends are going.
But being my bonus Mom for over 25 years of my life, Lyn knows I don't like parties or crowds of any more than 4 people max - so she set aside this morning for just me.
That's how loved I am by parents who truly get me.
Lyn had done so much to meet me where I was at on her birthday - the least I could do was show up.
Alun was invited too which was unusual as I usually meet Pete and Lyn on my own. I'm not sure of the reasoning behind it. I knew Alun wouldn't want to go (he prefers a beer with his mates in his free time) so I made the usual excuses "Al has been working loads and needs to rest" "Al has loads on and as much as he'd love to see you, he can't make it this time" but strangely, Lyn insisted he come.
Maybe they wanted proof of life? Hahaha.
The anxiety about meeting today with my bonus parents began last night so I didn't sleep much.
It's no biggie, JD. Calm down. But anxiety doesn't listen, does it?
Getting showered and dressed was so hard.
Having to leave home was so hard. I stood at the front door taking deep, slow breaths and trying to pump myself up for going.
Do it for Lyn, she'd do it for you.
That propelled me forward and got me onto the train. Knowing how much Pete and Lyn have done for me over 25 years pushed me off the train and up to the cafe Pete and I always meet at. I got to the double doors and frowned, not sure whether to push or pull...or even if the doors were usable because I was coming in through a side entrance.
Maybe it had been blocked off and people needed to use the front doors?
As I worried, I saw Pete's kind smile appear on the other side of the door. He pulled the door open and lovingly ushered me in.
"There's our girl" Pete grinned widely and hugged me tight. Something about being hugged by someone who loves me lights up my soul somehow.
"Oh Janet!" Lyn stood to greet me warmly as well "Hello sweetheart, I'm so glad to see you!"
I noticed immediately how radiant Lyn looked. Her eyes had a bright twinkle to them, she'd had her hair professionally blow-dried and her auburn curls framed her lovely face perfectly. Lyn had also lost a lot of weight and looked 10 years younger.
I told her so and Lyn beamed at me "You're so good for my heart, Janet - let me hug you again!"
I could hear Pete chuckle behind us both.
Pete - always the gentleman - pulled out a seat for me. Alun was running late to meet us (he'd discovered a long nail in one of the Audi's tyres) so I had Pete and Lyn to myself for a while which I liked very much.
"What do you fancy, our Janet?" Pete asked and shifted in his seat to reach for a cafe menu.
"Pete" Lyn smiled "Janet likes hot chocolate. Don't tell me you've forgotten."
Pete smiled back "Yes, I know...but maybe Janet wants a pot of tea? I like her to have choices."
All my anxiety melted away.
We chatted easily about their renovations to the bathroom. Pete was so pleased they'd done the pipes, tiling and plumbing on their own. They'd basically built their new ensuite from the ground up without hiring a tradie. Amazing.
"Let me show you the finished room" Lyn was so excited.
I nodded and praised my bonus parents and was super impressed with the stylish, modern bathroom they'd created. The shower was large with a rainfall showerhead, a new modern sink and pretty silver taps. The tiles were large and light grey which looked nice with a white sink and silver fittings. Lyn had added a fern in the corner of the vanity which looked healthy and added a nice touch to the whole room.
It was so beautiful and I'm so proud of Pete and Lyn.
They wanted updates on Sebastian and if I'd need help burying cupcake Kara yet (they both closely follow my Facebook which I really love) and sitting with them, just chatting as we sipped our warm drinks was really lovely. I'm so glad I went.
Alun joined us about 40 minutes later and the 4 of us spoke about Pete and Lyn's travels around Australia in the past year with their campervan. Alun had made a similar trip with his 1st wife 14 years ago, so they compared travel tips, memories and laughed as they all liked visiting the same places.
I kept looking around the table, smiling at each wonderful face as they spoke; just taking it all in. I have so much love for Pete, Lyn and of course Alun.
Lyn and I each ordered apple strudel with cream and custard. Pete ordered a ham and cheese toastie. Alun prefers eating later in the day so declined Pete's generous offer of "lunch on me". While Pete paid for us all (they never accept when I offer to pay), I enjoyed watching Lyn and Alun continue to discuss travelling.
There's something very special about watching people I love. I love that Lyn has her sparkle back. I love that even though Lyn was speaking mostly to Alun, she gently held my hand and would try to include me "isn't that amazing, Janet?" "Have you managed to see the gorges too?". I shook my head and was content just to watch and listen.
Since losing my Dad, I'm not the loud extrovert I used to be. Now I'm filled with fear, sadness and dread. It was nice to be free of those burdens for a few hours and focus instead on my tasty strudel (it was so good, you guys!) and how lovely it was to be in the company of people I love most.
The day wore on and we said goodbyes. I got hugged a lot by Pete and Lyn.
"So quiet these days, darling," Lyn quietly said in my ear. "Are you OK?"
I nodded and tried not to let the tears rise. It is so special when someone hears my silence.
Pete held me tight. "We love you, and you know you can talk to us any time, right? He checked the way he always has; gently. Lovingly. Patiently.
Being near my bonus parents fills my cup emotionally, but mentally and physically, I was really starting to tire.
Alun dropped me off and went to have lunch with his mates at the pub. I changed into warm pjs, tucked myself into bed under our thick, winter blankets, and slept all afternoon recovering.
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