An exchange between Kitty and I used to look like this a couple years ago:
Me: Are you ready to brush your teeth now?
Kitty: Yes. (Starts Humming) I need to remember this tune. (Continues to hum and ignore me)
Me: Are you saying not right now?
Kitty: What?
Me: Do you want to wait until you are finished in the bath?
Kitty: What?
Me: To brush your teeth?
Kitty gives me a look of disgusted confusion. I drop my head into my hands. I sigh and try again.
Me: It's time to brush your teeth.
I have a little voice in my head and it tells me things like: There's no point. She is never going to get this. Nothing you do changes anything. You are not helping. You are only making things worse. She doesn't care. She is turning into Jack and there's nothing you can do. You fucked it all up and nothing you can do now will make it better.
When I reply with, "Every little bit helps", the voice of despair comes back with how little I have done and how much better I could have done. It asks me why I didn't do a bit better before. After a while I feel more exhausted than ever and despair washes over me and it is all I can do to stand upright.
The voice tells me I am useless and I really could be doing better. It is not my friend. I know that. I try not to listen. I keep trying to live my life. I focus on my love for Kitty, my love for my mother, and my love for myself. Some days it is all I can do to climb out of bed in the morning. Sometimes I can only drown out the voice in my head by reading a book. I do my best. I move forward.
Two years later an exchange about teeth brushing looks like this:
Kitty and I each have a loaded toothbrush in hand.
Me: Ready? Set?
Kitty: Go! (She puts the tooth brush in her mouth and I start the timer as we both start to brush our teeth).
Things have changed. They are better. Every little bit helps.
Despair, you were wrong.
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