I don't like walking across bridges. There is something unstable about a structure built to hold the weight of cars and trucks, and it is moved by high winds.
Bridges are man-made structures and the wind? Well, the wind is a force of nature.
There is a particular bridge in California that stretches miles across a choppy sea. I never drove across that bridge. The waves would sometimes be as high as the bridge.
The locals loved the danger and magnificence of it all. I never got putting my life in danger just to say I drove that bridge. I know I would not have been able to cross. I would have panicked halfway and just sat in the car waiting for someone to come and take the wheel. To take charge and I could sit back and enjoy the ride.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have crossed that bridge if my life depended on it. I don't know if I could have done it. I would have laid down and waited for death. Why fight? Why take such a chance?
That spirit of surrender is what I struggle with to this day. Sometimes because I am not responding like folks think I should, they might feel like I don't care. I care so deeply and that care turns to fear and that fear keeps me from bringing my best thinking. I fear that in such a moment of Big caring, I might say the wrong thing and make things worse. After all not everyone believes that if you live long enough, shit is bound to happen to you or to someone you know. So it is your job to figure out how you are going to weather the storms. Because the storms are coming. And the reality is, life is short with no expectation of getting out alive. So buckle up and make some hard choices that will at least give you some pleasure and joy until the big wave comes.
Maybe the reason I never liked bridges is because it represents moving on. My biggest fear is being stuck. The bridge represents freedom and restraints.
I'm stuck in one place because I can't cross the bridge and if I could cross the bridge I'd be free. Now I understand there is no guarantee of freedom across the bridge. I also know that being stuck is a state of mind that is driven by fears.
What am I most afraid of? I continue to answer this question and the answers point me to other unspoken fear. I might need to stop being afraid and embrace the learning inside fear.
WoW, that is profound. Ok, now what? I need a nap. Too much thinking.
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