(Nimue)
I'm in the rather wonderful position of having something of a holiday at the moment. I can't remember when I last took more than a day or two off, while going away somewhere just for fun hasn't happened in years. Having a change of scenery without working at an event is being very lovely.
I don't have a lot of internet access, which has greatly reduced the temptation to try and do any work. I had a ghost writing project to finish up, and I have review books to get my teeth into, but otherwise I've been taking a much needed opportunity to rest and regroup. Walking and contemplating are featuring heavily. Peaceful time outside, and a great deal of time on my own are helping a lot too. I'm in the process of a major life-reboot, and there's a lot I need to think about.
Having time on my own with no particular responsibilities is opening up space to think about what I am, and also to rethink who I am. Years of depression have been underpinned for me by feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and lack of direction. Since last autumn I've been prompted to seriously rethink that. There's been something of a project to change how I see myself, which was very deliberately organised. It's been startling to have someone so determined to change how my life is. Other people who were drawn into that project have been gently active for months, too, bringing me different ways of seeing things, and different ways of understanding myself.
I've learned a lot about the ways in which I can get things right, and be effective. It's made a lot of odds to me, and lifted me out of a headspace where I could only see what I get wrong, and where I've not felt good enough. I'm taking time at the moment to consolidate all of this, and build a sense of self that includes ideas about being effective. I'm calmer as a consequence, not having to constantly push myself in a desperate bid to do better. I can be enough, and I can be enough without having to break myself.
I'm learning a lot at the moment, about myself, and about how I want things to be. I'll be unpacking that in the weeks to come. There's a lot going on for me philosophically and spiritually at the moment, and a definite sense of new ideas to explore. I feel myself stretching, softening, growing and becoming lighter all at the same time. Contentment is featuring a lot, so is optimism. I'm on the right trajectory.
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