If I had lots of friends it would make not having family around bearable. So I went about surrounding myself with folks and if truth be told, they were not my first choices. I was not confident enough to believe someone would want me, so I chose from the bottom. My family didn't seem to be interested and that was the story I told myself.
Family is supposed to love you no matter what. That was the first lie. My family is full of judgments, biases, and negative gossip. No one was interested in a family that was supportive and loving. The messages that were on tv were The Waltons, a house full of kids and parents who were patient and kind but firm. The Crosbys, a doctor and lawyer raising mischievous but well-rounded children. Little House on the Prarie, yeah totally out of my context of family life. Probably so many other shows that I am missing. Father Knows Best, the problem with that, is no father was ever our my house. We got a step-father once and he turned out to be the epitome of emotionally damaged.
The only show that was even familiar to me was Julia, Diane Carol, a single black mother raising kids alone and working full-time. The storyline was too close to my story, there was no fantasy in the reality of poverty and being abandoned by your father.
My younger brother loved The Waltons, he liked the idea of parents being in the house each night, there to tuck them in and say, "Goodnight John Boy, goodnight Mary Ellen, etc... He wanted that family connection for us and it never happened. What happened was physical abuse, emotional abandonment, and silence.
Yeah, the issue with reality is at some point it has to be accepted as what happened, and you have to decide what happens next. You can spend your life chasing the image of family, which is subjective at best, and make-believe at worst. The thing about the truth is it gives you an opportunity to build something that fits your needs. The other option is to accept what is and be miserable inside your family.
Once I decided to pursue healing, I was naive enough to believe everyone wanted the same. The reality is some folks are content and complacent in their misery and would prefer to stay there rather than uproot the things that are causing the misery. I hate to say this out loud, but my family has been at the root of much of my depression, and sadness. I can name them as the roots and I am responsible for what grows or doesn't grow.
Life is a journey toward healing and sometimes you have to go it alone. And being alone is an opportunity to figure out what kind of person you want to be. Until you get clear about who you are and what you want, if doesn't matter how many people you surround yourself with or whether they are family or friends. The point is to not settle. Decide what works for you and put the time and energy into that.
Follow the Healing, Not the Hurt!!!
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