Sometimes it is so hard to believe
This is one of these days, it feels so hard to believe you are no longer here with me on this physical plane. Being triggered by the smallest things at times makes me realize how much I miss your arms around me, your big smile and your laugh, the fun and the jokes we made together and the safety I feel being near you. Oh, I know there is way more to this, I feel you even though your physical presence is no longer here to acknowledge your love for me.
Yet this is the physical need, the emotional body wants, and the mental body is still getting her head around this departure. This is about the raw sensation and pain when I miss you sitting alone in my living, watching television. Or just going shopping and realizing I am going home, yet to an empty one, even though it is our Home.
The minute I realize I am able to make my first trip by car, longer than 5 minutes cruising through our city. I realize I am driving alone, on my own, since I broke my ankle. I have made this trip so many times, together for so many years, visiting our parents. We made this trip while you were driving, while I was driving when you couldn't.
When our daughter was driving because we both weren't able to. Or our son who would take me when you were no longer able to leave the house. This time, it was so layered driving up to our hometown. The place we both grew up, apart from each other till we met in 1973. Visiting my mom and your dad every Sunday morning, our routine, our tradition we created.
This time it was the first time I drove up to visit them without you, without any company in the car. Just me, myself, and I, and fortunately you kept me company as well along the way, When I saw the little hawk flying high up in the air, praying position, I knew you were there with me as well. Still, this was a first, and there will be many more first times in the upcoming months and years.
We already celebrated your birthday and mine this month without your physical presence, and our little granddaughter will turn 2 tomorrow. These past 6 weeks have been taking us through so many hurdles to take all at once, it is crazy to think it is just 6 weeks ago when it feels like months at times. Not just for me, but for our children and grandchildren as well. Life is going on as it should be, and we all need to rewind from all the hectic and intense periods we had together.
I know, I sometimes wrote, it is hard to believe. This is a sentence that can be interpreted in 2 ways. For me, that is, the minute I wrote it down. Hard to believe there is no end to our loving relationship at times because you are no longer present in my day-to-day life physically. This is not about questioning the depth of our love, the faith I have in our infinite relationship, or my connection with you wherever we are.
It is not about me losing faith in divinity, infinity, soulmate relationships, or twin souls. Or whatever word we can choose to describe something that goes beyond words. The moment I know and sense you are so close to me, feel your spirit and your love deep within my heart, I believe. The moment I feel sad and start to cry for the inevitable reality in 3D you are no longer around, I believe.
The unexpected triggers are taking me by surprise. Then I become aware. That's the moment the tears can start to flow without warning. Making me feel vulnerable when this happens in front of strangers knocking at my door with a practical question about energy supply, for instance. Then my mind shuts down, my memories come in, my wall starts to crumble and in a flash, I am aware I cannot handle this, not right now, not yet.
Because you are not there. These steps I have to make on my own. Like driving our car this week for the first time on my own. It is hard to believe at times I am alone, don't get me wrong. I am not lonely, it's just I am on my own. This to me is a first, so I haven't had much practice yet. I know this will grow on me, and will become more familiar in time. As I do know, I am not alone.
Yet sometimes it is hard to believe, you and I are never separated, just through our different dimensions. Because you are still holding me, still loving me, and I am aware of this every day. Probably even more at night, yet my awareness and consciousness are not yet developed to be able to be fully present in those moments as well.
I know this is a matter of time and since time is an illusion, this will happen at any moment in my life when I am ready. Now, in this present state of mind and consciousness, it is still hard to believe there is still this veil between your dimension and mine.
One day at a time, that is all I can do right now, staying in the present, in my Now moment. Learning how to deal with this physical body of mine with its weakness and vulnerability. Following the sensations of my emotions to create a higher awareness and learning through them how connected we are and always will be.
This is my inner journey which will be reflected in my outer world as well, my experiences along the way. They will show my progress and my ability to grow through every day to day reality. Till it is no longer a matter of belief. Then the inner knowing is just that, knowing.
And so it will be done.
High Self @RheaDopmeijer ©
Heartfelt Messages 29-4-2016
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