It is amazing what can happen if we get in our own way.
If we open to the sense that 'All is at it should be' at any point, and follow our feelings, we can ask ourselves if ' Is all as we would like to be?'.
There is a difference.
If we accept everything is as it should be, then my horse snaking his head at me and wanting to bite me, is as it should be. But it is not as I would like it to be. So what is it that I need to change in myself to change the situation. How does the current situation make me feel?
I have had several little events recently that have bought up several different feeling, but I also felt they belonged together, that somehow all these events were the same thing.
The first was Timmy being aggressive towards me as soon as I walked away from him, or took my focus from him. He was angry, and my fear wasn't allowing me to see his needs.
Then a donkey I have been working with reverted back to walking away every time a human came near her. I had fallen into the trap of putting intention before feeling, so she blocked me. I was losing patience and following a temptation to push for an outcome. She was telling me to go and sort this out. It was nothing to do with her.
Risada was not co-operating with having a muzzle put on, however much patience and peace I bought to the experience (or thought I was bringing to the experience). She was saying No and I couldn't figure out why, apart from sensing it was to do with a feeling I needed to look at.
It culminated with Chocolate. She had been fine, with no signs of laminitis and then suddenly she is uncomfortable on her feet, and her pulses are throbbing. She also point blank refused to leave the grass. Inexplicably this all made me very angry. This is not new. It happens every year, so why was I so angry, angrier than I have felt in a long time.
I knew all these little events were nothing to do with the horses. I haven't been exploring the feeling journey just to turn around and say 'I am having a few bad days - it will all get better soon' and then hope it does. If everything was as it should be, then I had something deep to work on.
I first figured out that the feelings I was working with were fear, frustration, impatience, and anger. Anger seemed the strongest and I could feel it mostly in my shoulders and solar plexus, but there was also a tension throughout my body, like it was being held together by force.
Time to find out what the root cause of the anger was and make peace with it.
Using an amazing practice that is included within the Trust Technique Video Course, I followed the feeling of anger back and back through my life, going as far back as a feeling of total anger at being put into my aunts arms as a baby by my mother.
I thought this would be the event that sparked this way of behaving, feeling angry when a situation changed that I couldn't control, but something told me to go back again, to make sure there was nothing even earlier.
There was.
I died and I was angry about it. Very angry. Because I hadn't finished what I had set out to achieve, whatever that may have been. Details unknown, but the feeling was very real.
I have spent a good few years now learning to trust my feelings, and more recently learning to communicate what I feel at a point in time. This one surprised me. I had brought something through to this life time in my energy or however that works. An atom of anger settled into my being from a time before I was born into this body.
That anger that I feel when something is going well and then 'isn't' for no obvious logical reason. It is something I held deep, and each time it has come up, my mind has ignored it, preferring just to bury the anger again, as Chocolate ignored the anger in me when I asked her to come out of the field, as my mother ignored my anger as she put me in my aunts arms, as death ignored my anger and came anyway.
Then bizarrely I had to make peace with this anger, this feeling, going back to how it felt at its root and enabling the anger to dissipate and be replaced by peace.
So interesting. And when I replaced the anger with peace I felt a sense of deep peace and relief within my bones and muscles that I have not felt before.
And today: muzzles went on perfectly, Timmy had a hoof crack seen to and didn't chase me when I had finished. What other wonderful experiences are going to come my way...
As everything is always as it should be, then when it is not as you would like it to be, explore your feelings.
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