10 Essential Elements in Surviving a Crisis

Don't Lose Hope

Apr 29

There are a number of factors which contribute to being able to recover from betrayal trauma. These include the following 10 factors:

Recognizing that you are in a state of crisis; admitting to yourself that you've been traumatized. This is a prerequisite for seeking help.
Recognizing that recovery, essentially, lies in your hands. Others may sympathise, or even empathise. But at the end of the day it is up to you to get the kind of help that will enable deal with your traumatic responses, enable you to cope in the short- and long-term, and help you to recover and rebuild your life.
"Building a fence". By that, we mean being able to distinguish between what in your life is actually OK (for example, being able to identify "I have a lot about myself which is really great, is working just fine and doesn't need to change ... My career, my relationship with my kids, my relationship with friends etc") and the things that need attention (for example, figuring out the extent of your partner's addiction, how long he has been deceiving you, whether he is serious about getting help, and what changes need to be made in the relationship to stay in it, and to feel safe it int.)
Getting appropriate help and support from others. This might include finding your own counsellor or therapist, getting help from a couple's therapist trained in sex addiction, finding out as much as you can about betrayal trauma, investing the practical steps that assist with recovery from sex addiction and betrayal trauma, joining a 12 step group or some other kind of support group, sharing what has happened with friends or family members you believe will be supportive. This can help you feel you are not alone, not the only ones who are dealing with the crisis.
Finding other people who can act as role models for coping and recovery from betrayal trauma and recovery from sex addiction. For most individuals who are dealing with these traumas, it is a lonely, isolating and completely unknown road. Finding others who have successfully trodden this path, can give you hope (when you fear there is no hope), give you practical and relevant examples to follow/ ideas of things to try in order to cope day by day, week to week, and month to month. These can be real life people you have met or know personally (such as others you encounter in couples' therapy), or simply people you know about, or whose books you have read. These could be people who talk about challenging and complex topics such as how to deal with triggers, how to learn to trust again, or how to forgive when forgiveness is too hard.
Having a strong ego. Ego strength refers to that core essence which knows who you (what your innate and consciously developed strengths and qualities are), that knows that despite everything that's been thrown at you, you will cope, survive and still be standing after this! It includes having an inner sense of meaning and purpose, having a strong self-belief, having the ability to accept, tolerate and manage intense and overwhelming emotions, being able to judge reality correctly, and being able to make wise decisions which are in your best interests.
Being able to identify when and how you have successfully coped with crises in the past. This helps you to deal with the inevitable feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness that are generated by a crisis or a trauma. It reminds you that you have what it takes to cope, overcome devastation, and find strategies to turnaround destabilizing life events.
Having the ability to/ being willing to tolerate uncertainty and ambiguity. By its very nature, a crisis or trauma throws everything into disarray. There are no guarantees. You don't know what's going to happen. Reality has changed and the past must be written. This is a very scary way to live. It requires an acceptance of that's how life is now, and you really have no option but to 'judge', then wait and see.
Working on being flexible rather than rigid. One of the reasons we feel so devastated is we know this in not how things should be. When you enter into a relationship with someone, and especially if that person makes formal commitments and promises to you (as we do when we get married) then it is normal and right to have expectation related to how our partner will behave and treat you. Typically, we expect honesty, faithfulness, to be cared about and for, to not have to worry about our sexual and emotional health, to not have to be suspicious of our partner, or to have to watch our own back (because the person we are trusting will betray and devastate us). However, after we learn the truth, recovery is aided most by accepting 'the facts and the facts' whether we want them to be the facts or not. For most of us, this is difficult and painful – but it is a major step in our recovery.
Having firmly established core values. This means knowing what you will and won't put up with. It means clearly defining what are the negotiables and what are the non-negotiables. It means knowing exactly where you draw the line, and establish healthy, self-respecting boundaries. This is part of self-respect and is central to self-care.

"I did not ask for the things that I've been through. And I certainly didn't ask my mind to paint and repaint the memories in the form of flashbacks."

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