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The adjective or adverb "toxic" has become quite commonplace in both sociology, social psychology, and urban slang. It's a very meaning-packed modifier that is effective both denotatively (its dictionary definition) and connotative (its suggestive or implied meaning, or the emotional association with the word). It's used to describe work environments, corporate culture, family dynamics, interpersonal relations, and many other situations. In fact, it can describe circumstances in terms of both situational — as determined by an environment or surroundings— as well as dispositional —as determined by internal factors such as personality traits.
In my professional writing I have coined the phrase "toxic cultural conditioning," (TCC) which I would like to define and characterize in this essay, both for the benefit of general audience as well as to clarify its meaning for my followers and disciples in the Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠ programs, Mascul-IN-Touch℠ and Mascul-IN-Timacy℠.
Before I continue, it is important that you understand that this is a very concise and general treatment of the subject matter, and is not intended to be comprehensive in any way. This is a very complex and multifaceted topic and, if in-depth study and practice is your intention, the practice should be approached only with the guidance of a competent mentor.
A toxic culture is any environment that is characterized, and dominated by practices, policies, stereotypes, and social scripts that perpetuate unhealthy habits and conflicts within, between, and among individuals exposed to that culture.
Conditioning is a psychological technical term that can be distinguished as social or cultural. Social conditioning is a process of indoctrination of individuals in a particular society or group to act or respond in a manner approved by the society or peers. Through social conditioning he is said to be socialized or made compatible with the society.
Cultural conditioning is a process through which the individual is exposed to, absorbs, and internalizes the values, behaviors, norms, expectations, stories, narratives, mythologies, etc. from his environment, and interprets them into what he believes to be acceptable or expected behaviors. Through cultural conditioning, the individual is acculturated or made compatible with the culture.
I adopted a 5-step process for both adopting and rejecting cultural conditioning. These are awareness, discernment, self-modeling (fine-tuning), detachment, and reflection (evaluation). Although I present these "steps" as discrete units, they should be conceived of as cooperating, overlapping, and interacting in many respects.
Toxic cultural conditioning adversely affects everyone, particularly men, and its insidious negative effects are frequently subconscious; they are felt by everyone, and the onus of corrective action is borne by everyone in the culture. Because so much of TCC has been normalized, it becomes a very difficult task to recognize the resulting adverse effects and negative behaviors but here are some products of TCC:
- Aggression (physical, verbal, emotional, etc., passive or active)
- Poor communication (hesitance or inability to say what you mean, to get something off your chest, a feeling of never being fully understood or truly authentic )
- Toxic (there's that word again) relationships
- Addiction or unhealthy attractions (particularly social media, pornography)
- Resentment (meaning a negative emotion that involves obsessive review of a negatively perceived event)
-
![_tcc-warning tcc signs text.png]()
Emotional & physical abuse (both self-abuse and other-abuse; can manifest in many expressions) - Self-esteem issues (neurosis, sociopathic behaviors, self-harm)
On the individual level, there are a number of warning signs to be aware of if you are in a TCC environment, particularly when you feel or experience that you:
- are being manipulated into acting in a particular way or doing something you don't feel comfortable doing;
- are frequently confused as to the behavior expected of you (like watching the Superbowl);
- long for acknowledgement or signs of appreciation but they never materialize;
- feel like you are on the defensive or have to raise the force fields when in social situations;
- never feel really at ease or comfortable in mixed company;
- continually question yourself, your desires, urges, behavior;
- do not feel that you are realizing your true self or living your true nature;
- feel stifled, asphyxiated, stymied in expressing your true feelings or emotions;
- have a feeling of frustration, emptiness or loneliness in your life, despite family, friends, and even a relationship;
- question your self-worth, meaning, or purpose.
Clearly, many of the above issues are part of normal inner life, and under the guidance of a mentor, may be the raw material for positive transformation; under the influence of TCC they take on a more sinister role, however.
The few examples I provide above are certainly not exhaustive but they provide a good idea of the feelings that TCC can produce in a man. It's important to realize that TCC works on a continuum; the stress is continuous and ubiquitous and the effects cumulative.
So, what can a man do to confront TCC? Well, this is where the 5 steps come into operation.
Awareness
When I teach awareness, I make clear that awareness exists at three levels: awareness of the physical environment, the world; awareness of your mental/emotional states and traits; awareness of your psychospiritual disposition. For men who come to Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠ as seekers, there are a number of methods I use to diagnose these awarenesses such as self-assessments, personality inventories, writing, orientation practices and exercises, regular conversation and sharing.
Awareness is acknowledging what is there; it operates closely with the process of discernment, clear thinking, and focus. I'll be honest: awareness can be an unpleasant experience at first because the seeker may find that he has been a stranger in the mirror; it can be the experience of one's self as schizoid, split, not completely whole, but it will empower you to identify what needs to change and how, and to decide on a path to follow.
I feel that awareness is foundational to everything else that follows, similar to the personal and social ethical principles of aṣṭāṅga yoga; without awareness, all the rest doesn't work. Awareness provides a roadmap for the transformation process.[1]
Discernment
The term in this second step is "discernment" which provides for clear thinking, reliable judgment, and plausible intentional action.[2] Imagination (not fantasy) plays a substantial part in my implementation of healthy "expectation." Whether you prefer the term "expectation" or "discernment" the awareness stage is the prerequisite foundation, without which any healthy expectation or discernment would be impossible.
Too much of a man's life is lived in expectation of some future result or returns; he is so conditioned to "expect" or to anticipate, that he does it automatically, unconsciously. This is a perilous and self-destructive pattern. From a lifestyle, mindset, or spiritual viewpoint, all expectations and anticipations are Trojan horses that sooner or later bring him unnecessary suffering misery. Suffering and misery in a lifestyle or mindset of expectations is inevitable because his expectations and desires become all-consuming and unappeasable.
Without discernment, no true progress can be made towards attaining liberation from the effects of TCC, particularly the problem of unhealthy expectation.
Self-modeling
I think that modeling, too, is an unfortunate term. Modeling would connote assuming a pose (poses tend to be contrived) or a posture (which involves input to achieve a desired effect), all of which is artificial, something we are trying to correct in the first place. With awareness and discernment ("expectation"), the goal may be modeling but modeling in a self-authentic way, not in the way some authors might propose. The true self is the model template; you do not look at other men so you can model after them, ape them, become them. No! You are a unique being, you need to be aware of your true self and model only your true self. Modeling others is more a component product of TCC than of authenticity and self-awareness, and implies a form of stereotyping.
Modeling others, you become a cipher, a stereotype; by modeling your true Self you become a counterstereotype, and being counterstereotypical, you become the model.
Take some time to self-reflect, to search and re-search within yourself; then have a chat with your mentor; get involved in the Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠ programs; join 108 Days of Reflection & Meditation, become a member of a saṅgha (सङ्घ) or community of like-minded men. Re-examine how you are currently living and decide honestly if it's the way that you want to live, or where you find inspiration that will empower you to consistently attain the fulfillment you seek for yourself.
Detachment
If you reflect on your life you will find that most of suffering or painful memories were caused by either something unexpected happening or something expected not happening. 'Expectation' is always the cause (see discernment, above). A man must practice detachment or avoid attachment and becoming dependent on expectations; in yogic Tantra it's called vairāgya (वैराग्य).
As I mentioned above, expectation is a booby trap, a Trojan horse that results in suffering; for example, we are told it is "natural" to feeling a little depressed or frustrated when one doesn't meet his expectations or when he doesn't receive acknowledgement of progress he may have made; as I mentioned above, it is unnatural to dwell on or obsess over the situation.
For iGen men, expectation has become more of a trait than a state, and they are suffering as a result.
Self-realization is a journey, and your positive attainments will accrue with every step.
Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠ adopts the teaching of karmayoga (कर्मयोग) or the yoga of action, which I teach as ease in action.[3] This concept is captured in a verse in the Bhagavad Gītā (भगवद्गीता), and quoted as the distillation of karma yoga: "Do the action, but don't be attached to the fruit thereof." This is the essence and clearly applies to any action; again, awareness and discernment come into play, because detachment can be easily misunderstood if there is a lack of clarity as to what constitutes the action and what is understood to be the fruit.
At the root of the common confusion is the tendency is to divide any action into start, middle and end rather than as a continuum, and then considering the end result to be the fruit of action; the fact is that the entire project, start, middle, and end, from the start to finish, is the karma or action.[4] Action is a holistic process or movement of thought, speech, and activity towards any target, from start to finish.
By applying the principle of detachment, one can identify the fruit of the action. The fruit is the actor's intention motivating the action. To take the example of a project, if one inquires honestly as to what is the intention motivating the action, one will discern that the true inner motivation is for a promotion, a pay rise, award, recognition, etc. All such motivations are what we define as the fruit of the action. In other words, the fruit of the action is always what the actor expects and not intended for the sake of the action itself. As long as the actor is attached to the fruit of the action, the action is tainted by the expectation of benefit and there is no "ease in action;" there is no detachment because the expectation is still there, a speed bump at best, or an obstacle. If one frees himself of all such ulterior motives for an action, and engages with full dedication and commitment in the action solely and uniquely for the joy of the action itself, we can then say there is ease in action, detachment or dispassion. A man should practice ease in action in all of his activities; this is called detachment.
Reflection
Without some form of feedback or assessment, there is no tracking of progress. It is important to moderate your progress at regular intervals because it allows you to see what works and what doesn't. It's only natural for a person, particularly when starting a new practice, to be able to identify milestones and progress over time. Some things will work; others will not. When practicing, we follow my slogan, "Take the best; leave the rest," particularly when separating the gems from the junk. Reflection is one way we do this; another way is journaling. Once you have a baseline and have established patterns and habit, you can make the changes needed to enhance the experience of your journey.
Unfortunately, many men rely on feedback from their surroundings or peers. Big mistake. It's a big mistake because such reliance usually takes the form of comparison, which inevitably urges the man to use their behaviors or external (others') expectations as a benchmark, thus perpetuating and propagating the adverse effects of TCC. When in doubt and when seeking feedback your recourse should be to the five steps or to a trusted mentor, who will guide you to finding your own answers, rather than appropriating the rubble of other men's lives.
Clearly, the 5-step model is very rudimentary but it's a start. The Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠ programs, Mascul-IN-Touch℠ and Mascul-IN-Timacy℠ take a man on a far deeper exploration of self-awareness, self-knowledge, and exploration and discovery of the tāntric Beloved, the iṣṭadeva (इष्टदेव) or Tāntric Lover. It's a journey of focus and depth that requires a man to have a warrior spirit and a loving heart.
Other Useful Tactics
Other steps in your plan to disentangle yourself from TCC, to de-energize any negative thoughts or other obstacles, and to move forward with your life include:
- Acknowledging your vulnerability and accepting it;
- Acknowledging your flaws and impurities;
- Avoiding the urge to rewrite the past, deny the present, or compose the future;
- Refusing to return to fight old battles;
- Accepting your own perfect imperfections and those of others;
- Letting go of expectations;
- Refusing to live others' lives or to allow them to live yours;
- Being decisive: stand your ground; don't leave the door ajar;
- Resolving to change your own behavior and preparing yourself for possibly strong reactions from family, friends, outsiders;
- At all times giving rather than receiving, practicing restraint and moderation;
- Reflecting on your own responses, perceptions, thoughts;
- Avoiding adoption of others' paths, including that of self-help books, videos, etc., and fake guru-s spreading overgeneralized and blanket teaching and solutions;
- Becoming authentic;
- Practicing homoerotic yogic tāntric principles, including the yama-s and the niyama-s; at minimum the 5-steps;
- Engaging the guidance of a competent mentor.
I cannot overemphasize the importance of having a competent mentor involved in your practices. You may enjoy doing much of your work on your own, and the path can be compared with a journey. While it may be very worthwhile and rewarding to strike out on your own, it's always nice to have a tour guide to explain things you might find difficult to understand or fully appreciate.
How to Move On
Some men are natural loners and feel they can manage on their own. My advice is: OK. Try it. I'll be waiting here. This is not a weekend hike, it's a long-haul experience. Everyone needs the support of a like-minded community for those difficult moments or the uphill battles. This is why it's important to consider joining a saṅgha (सङ्घ) or men's community like Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠. I also think it's useful as an alternative to join a traditional yoga (योग) or meditation group near you; I do caution you to be very selective and critical when joining public groups, however, and be aware of their limitations, culture, and values, however.
In conclusion, I will repeat that I cannot overemphasize the importance of having a competent mentor involved in your practices. You may enjoy doing much of your work on your own, and the path can be compared with a journey. While it may be very worthwhile and rewarding to strike out on your own, it's always nice to have a tour guide to explain things you might find difficult to understand or fully appreciate.
Notes:
[1] Similar to the eight limbs of aṣṭāṅgayoga (अष्टाङ्गयोग), which are integral components of the Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠ system, I emphasize the importance of the yama-s and niyama-s, the personal and social ethical principles of classical yoga, as foundational awareness.
[2] While expectations are the source of many problems and suffering, particularly in a conversation about TCC, I generally try to avoid using the word. I should however emphasize that despite the overarching notion of the negative effects of expectations, there are also healthy expectations, so expectation cannot be painted with such broad strokes that all expectation is considered to be negative. Discernment is the key to determining the nature of any expectation.
[3] Ease of action should be understood as uninhibited, unobstructed, naturally flowing action rather than facility (read: facile) or convenience of an action.
[4] Do not confuse the karma (कर्म) of action with the law of karma (कर्म) or the law of action and consequence.
For more detailed information and the full-text module, please contact d.karuna.t@gmail.com
It would be very helpful and generous if you were to leave a comment about your insights and thoughts inspired by today's text. Please use the Comment feature below to leave your comment/remarks for us to read and reflect on.
Dāka Karuṇā T. (William)
दाक करुणा तान्त्रिक
ॐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ॥
Oṃ śānti, śānti, śāntiḥ ||
Peace to you in body, heart-mind, and spirit!
Of course, if you have any questions or need personal guidance, please contact me.
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