It's a rollercoaster ride for sure. Even though our spark burned out years ago I still have a fondness for Nia as we had been together since we were 15. So many mixed feelings after 30 odd years married. When your whole life revolves around another person and your life up until this point has been a family unit it's a lot for the brain to process.
Familiarity - Obviously it goes without saying the world as I knew it has been turned upside down, looking back at where you have been is painful and looking forward is without the certainty that you had before.
Other people - We all know Nia was head strong, shot from the hip, emotionless on the outside but I kind of liked her strength. But that strength of a hard shell made her emotionally distant and impossible to penetrate. Leaving us both resentful and isolated.
Love and sex - Can't say I looked at Nia for the past 10 years and fancied her, but thats not a slight, she may have been the same. But as Nia was a closed book I wouldn't have known either way. Not one for complements at all.
Frustration - The last 10 years were just frustration, we used to enjoy the fact that we were both strong and not needy on each other emotionally. Happy that we had love without having to show it, but that was a mistake.
Do I regret the split? No, but does it hurt? Yes like hell. Was it the right thing to do? Yes. Does that make it feel easier? Nope.
Anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness and panic are natural. But I am trying to keep calm and carry on. House is for sale and we move on.
Also the last two years although I have been faithful I have always hoped I would meet a woman of my dreams and move on. But I always felt I couldn't hurt Nia. Now its done.
I go dancing, Ceroc and Jive which is fun and joined a dating site which is a minefield in its self.
No comments:
Post a Comment