Dearest Rachel -
This morning found me awake before five, for reasons unknown. While I could stand to shed a layer of bedding, and perhaps use the facilities, nothing seemed so urgent as to demand my consciousness at such a ridiculous hour. Still, once awake (however reluctantly), I felt that I needed to take care of these things, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep again. Unfortunately, even after taking care of those things I thought I needed to, and setting my body back to rest again, my mind began paging through the things I needed and wanted to do today, and how those two categories or women truly in conflict with each other. Clearly, I was not going to be getting any more sleep this morning.
But even as I (disappointedly) came to this realization, I had to acknowledge that my mind at the seized upon a fundamental truth; namely, that what I want to do today is not necessarily what I need to do, and vice versa. Moreover, this dichotomy is rather an endemic part of the human condition, when you think about it. So, seeing as I wasn't going to be able to get any more sleep (despite being fairly convinced I needed it), I decided to write to you and commit this all to text.
This is the sort of thing that happens when I don't have any interesting dreams to relate to you first thing in the morning. Hope that's okay with you.
Bear in mind, I'm going to be emphasizing wants and needs a lot in this letter; partly because they're the real subject, but also (if you'll forgive the pun) because they're subjective. To be honest, I'm not always sure which is which – another part of the human condition, I dare say, and something I need to get to eventually – so feel free to substitute where you think I need to swap one word for the other. Oh, and if you could let me know, that'd be great.
Anyway, let's start with what I want to do today. As usual, I spent rather too much time over the weekend studying more about AI art generation. It seems that, as more people get interested in the subject, more files get generated that I want to try out, as well as newer, more efficient means of creating and using data that I want to learn – there's one approach in particular that looks promising, both in terms of creating pictures of you, and generating certain artists' styles that, for all the work other people have done, haven't been touched (all of which could be the subject of a letter or two in and of itself, if you'd be willing to indulge me – I might even go so far as to create a tutorial, since most of the ones I find online seem to focus on a single subject, rather than an art style or a series). Perhaps this will be the key to perfecting a means of creating new and better pictures of you. Besides, since I'm both walking with Lars and meeting the girls for dinner tomorrow, it would be nice to have some new output to show them.
But what I need to take care of demands my attention first. This project is just something for me; if it gets done, great, if not, well, it's no big deal. However, there are things that other people are counting on me for, and those should take priority, especially given their time-sensitive nature. The month has just turned over, and with it comes the need to process the activity from last month for both the church and the camp (and, given that they'd had some winter sessions going, there may well be quite a bit to process). Much as I might want to work on pictures of you, I need to at least make some progress toward getting this taken care of, so I can get everything to the people making decisions for these places, preferably before the end of the week.
Moreover, even if I could find the time to do what I wanted, it so happens that I need to do something first. Last week, I tried to add a few extensions to the text-to-image software I use at the office, because there are so many things that it's apparently capable of. Unfortunately, this turned out to be more than my 'office' computer could handle, evidently, and as a result, the software doesn't load up at all anymore. If I want to use it, I'm going to have to tear it down and reinstall it – not for the first time, either. Indeed, I was at the 'office' until after six on Friday, trying to salvage my data and output files before doing so.
And that's another thing I can't do today. I need to leave the office early, if, for no other reason, then to get to Sparks tonight. Not only can't I keep 'working' until six, I need to be at church before then, and likely take Daniel out to eat beforehand, as he doesn't seem to see the need unless I make a point of it. It must be nice not to get hungry like that. And while on the subject of watching what I eat, I probably need to leave that much earlier, in order to get in some exercise, as well.
Such are the needs and wants of one man for one day. Imagine extrapolating this to the lifetimes of every human on the planet. And yet, here I am, about to try and generalize.
Why is it that our needs and wants so often come into conflict with each other? You would think that they would coincide; that you would want what you need (like my example with needing to hit the gym, and thus, needing to leave the 'office' that much earlier). The fact of the matter is, though, we may know what we need, but we don't always want to do it. Heck, I'll admit that I don't really want to go to the gym; it's just something I know I need to do.
And that's another thing; we don't always know what we need all the time. For instance, I may think that I need a Megumi in my life; however, it may very well be that I can get along without anybody for the rest of my life. Now, there's no question that I wouldn't want to do that, but it's not going to kill me if I never have that kind of relationship again – at least, I hope not.
So it is with all of us; we have so much we think we need, but it happens that it's really just a long list of wants. It's why so many prayers go unanswered, or rather, seem to; God knows what we need (and knows the difference between those and what we want) better than we do. As a loving Father, He wants to give us what we need, but all too often, we can only think of what we want, and assume it's what we need. Then, when we don't get it, we complain to Him, and at Him. It's the same attitude the children of Israel (and even the adults, for that matter) had in the wilderness; it's why He made them wander around for so long – what they needed, apparently, was a long time-out.
So I may not get the results I want in time to show off to Lars and the girls, but I'll get what I need done today. I just hope (want? need?) that I can continue in this path for the rest of the week... and maybe, beyond. Let me take it a day at a time.
With that in mind, honey, keep on eye on me today, and wish me luck; I'm going to need it.
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