Living with someone who is battling an addiction is often very painful and challenging. But if you have made the decision to stay, then here are some hard truths that you will need to face:
1. He or she cannot be trusted to tell the truth. They deny the reality of their struggles and their slips. They hide them from themselves, they hide them from you, and often they will hide them from their counsellor, as well.
2. Don't expect them to be either responsible or reliable. Their focus isn't really on sobriety, regardless of their claims, and the things they say to you. This means they will be driven by the need to satisfy their desire for their drug, or their behaviour of choice. At times this means doing things they'll later regret, and breaking their commitments and promises to you.
3. You can't control them or make them change. Only they can make the difficult decision to be free. It isn't your battle, and you can't make them change. Threats and ultimatums aren't powerful enough.
4. You will be frustrated again and again. Even if your partner is committed to change, it's a long, and winding road, and they're going to slip and fall. Their brain has been rewired – and it's hard to change it back. For many, it's a battle they'll be fighting all their life. I wish this wasn't true – but, too often, it's a fact.
5. It is not a battle they can fight and win alone. Once addiction's got a grip, all the will power in the world will never be sufficient to free them from it's hold. They're going to need the long-term commitment and support of: an addiction's counsellor; (in most cases) an accountability partner; plus, information on what causes an addiction, the effects of an addiction and steps that can held to set them free over time.
Something to consider
Taking care of yourself is the most important aspect of living with a person who is struggling with addiction.
In summary this will include: setting and enforcing healthy boundaries; resisting any instinct to enable the addict; leaving them to deal with the consequences of their actions; being honest about the impact he or she is having on your life (including your mental and emotional life); spending time with family and friends who build you up; making sure you make time for doing things that you enjoy; and making time for relaxation and exercise.
All of the above are non-negotiables. They are not self-indulgences or luxuries.
"Recovery is a battle. A daily battle. But the battle will get easier."
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