Today I am in a "life's vicissitudes" mode. This means, pretending to be philosophical about life's nuances but actually none the wiser.
I am not at all wise. Frankly I look at life with ghastly lenses and always preparing for " next steps" and " what ifs" type of situations.
A worrier most times - what if I lose my job with the economic downturn? Will I be able to survive? Will I be buried under debt?
I am also not in the pink of health. They say we are what we eat...either the veggies or food I eat are toxic, this does not hold true for me at least.
I must be the most "cursed" person in life when it comes to the health sector. Honestly doctors will not touch me with a 10 foot pole if they had choices. But their Hippocratic oath requires them to tend to me. Still, once they got to know me, they treat me with loving kindness as they too are befuddled as to why I am having so many issues - unexplainable and incurable. At best, I will live but with this or that disability of sorts or pain.
Pain is such a bad four letter word I can attest to.
I would like to borrow BJ Brook's word he used to overcoming storms - accustomed! He is correct as I have grown accustomed to PAIN, and the words, " No cure!" I love reading BJ's website and if you have a chance, do pop by and read it, I have provided his blog site address for the post https://bjaybrooks.blog/2023/02/22/wind/
I know I get self into all sorts of situations and most times, I need to have guts, gumption and determination to get out of it or make the most of it. I wish I don't need to do so, but I have learnt that I have to.
Of course I rue the bad relationships or MR EX or people that I thought needed my help and exploited me. But what's done is done and cannot be undone except I need to learn from it and soldier on. Easier said than done really. Sometimes I sneak a peek at MR EX's social media and realise why there are still suckers out there who will support him for a " Nobel Peace" Prize nomination. To me, he ain't a person with credibility nor deeds of the Nelson Mandela nor an Au San Suu Kyi character.
I am of course affected that if for some strange stroke of luck, MR EX gets the nomination and if hell freezes over and he wins a Nobel Prize, then I will feel that the Nobel Prize is a mockery going forward.
But that is his good fortune and the world's acceptance of it. Not for me.
MR EX has said many cruel and hurtful things to me and never shown compassion nor love. Love is regurgitated as a word only and it stops there. When I was ill most times, he said to me, " what is the big deal? It is not as it is cancer!" and when I told him I had indeed cancer, he disappeared.
There is no such thing as true love I feel. Love is wishy washy and it is the long haul tolerance, forbearance and genuine care of mutual concern is to me, the real true grit kinda love.
Love is a business I feel. Today boy woos girl and wins girl, a relationship blossoms. It waxes and wanes and if time survives it, this relationship continues. When business of love has a deficit, then all things fall apart.
Cut losses, I was told. I did. Did it hurt? Of course it did. But a Chinese adage rings loud and clear, " short term pain is better than long term pain" - to me, still painful.
I questioned self. Was there even love to begin with? Or was I just an object of use to fill the void when he wanted someone and someone with vital business contacts and now that his new business is on track, new targets are now his goal and I am thrash.
Nothing is real anymore. A wise doctor now tells me that "today is real" and "tomorrow is a figment of our imagination, an illusion if you will!"
I am taught not to live for tomorrow but live in the now and the reality of tomorrow. I like this approach as not having an illusion that tomorrow is a better day or tomorrow bring better things, will not hurt me.
Again easier said than done - money is not everything, but without money, nothing can be done!
Irony?
I want to believe in friendships and relationships but these days, it frightens me. I am also aware that I will end up lonely and miserable or maybe not?
Life and death - I always utter the words, " life is the beginning of death" - We will all die at one point or another. We will have to bury our folks one day and that day, when it comes, will hurt. But if others can get over it, then so will I.
Since I could not have the mother of all weddings, then I shall look forward to the mother of all funerals for myself.
I can picture it - from the freezer to the oven.
I spoke with Prof Fong on Tuesday about my cadaver being donated to the Yong Loo Lin Medical School as a silent mentor. He reminded me with virtual reality, my cadaver might not be needed as it was cleaner with virtual reality.
I agreed with him. With technology fast moving, interns need not slice and dice a dead body and not risk germs. Sigh, even in death, I will be of no use to mankind.
So, I will do the best I can alive. No use pondering about post life as there is no afterlife for me.
No one will miss me. My inanimate Garfield furballs are inanimate and they will not know how to mourn my absence.
So much for my " life's vicissitudes" - tomorrow is an illusion.
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