Dearest Rachel -
One of the things that might be considered an advantage of being suddenly single is that I can make snap decisions, without consultation. No "I think I'd like to do this or that, but what do you think, honey?" I can just go and do whatever it is, and not worry about what you (or Daniel, now that we've uncoupled his portion of the inheritance from your estate) might think of it, be it responsible or not.
Just this morning, I woke up earlier than I needed to for the Saturday Bible study, and decided to get something from the local donut shop (not the chain place that we used to love – and still do, don't get me wrong – but a real, local, honest-to-gosh family-owned bakery place) for the boys from breakfast. And while I was there, I realized that it wouldn't be good form to have them in my car while I was at the study, so I got a couple extra dozen to share with the guys that attended. To quote Hedley Lamar, "I hope you brought enough for everybody!" And these kinds of snap decisions are the sort of things that might be considered an advantage to my current single status (although I think you might be perfectly approving of this particular decision, especially since there was still no lack of pastries to bring home, even after the guys had taken their fill. Ironically enough, though, Daniel texted me as I was leaving church, and without knowing what I'd done already, asked if I could pick up from Wendy's; well, I wasn't going to disappoint him by just bringing home the donuts...)
It's something you never got to experience. Even when I made it clear you could have done whatever you wanted with your family's money, you made it equally clear that "it's our money now," and would always ask me about any major purchase or expenditure before you would actually go through with it. There was no need for you to put a restraining bolt upon yourself like you did, and yet you did so anyway, regardless.
And that's the thing about this supposed 'advantage' to single life. It may seem that I have this near-absolute flexibility to do whatever I want to, without answering to anyone, but that's quite true. If nothing else, I still have to answer to myself – which rather suggests that I'm questioning myself on certain courses of action. And when one does that, one hesitates; this situation means that I'm not nearly as nimble when it comes to making decisions than you might expect.
Take that business opportunity I mentioned to you the other day. As much as it seemed to carry virtually no risk, and any level of potential upside, depending on how many sales reps we can recruit and how much they can sell, the fact that it seems to good to be true is the very reason I find myself doubting it in the first place. And as much as I trust the one who brought it to my attention, I'm not sure if he might have too much blind faith in the scheme for his own good; might I be the voice of reason? Or am I just being too cautious, when I could otherwise get in on the ground floor of the chance of a lifetime, and possibly the beginning of a whole host of such potential opportunities?
The thing is, it's not as if I couldn't afford to lose a little, be it money or time, on the scheme, even if it didn't wind up panning out, so there's no real reason for me to refuse him on this. But I really wish you were here, to either prod me into taking the leap, or doing your best to talk me out of it. Either way, you would probably succeed in getting me to take whichever path you preferred me to.
And that's the thing; I may not have the restraints on my decision-making, but I also don't have the guardrails, either. There is something to be said for having a measure of 'advice and consent' for such crossroad moments; two heads, as they say, are better than one. Without it, my indecision (which, as I've mentioned before, ends up becoming a decision in and of itself) prevents me from stepping out and taking hold of opportunities when they present themselves. And the worst thing is, I don't even know if this is a good thing or not; the one real way to determine this is to jump into it with both feet, and find out by having it succeed or fail naturally. But do I really want to do that?
On a lighter note, there's also the situation with the local megachurch, which I would never even consider bothering with if you were still around. They've changed the date and time for their monthly singles get-together to take place on Sunday afternoons, rather than Friday evenings. Understandable, as they're trying to encourage singles to be a part of their church – especially since it seems their whole message to us as a demographic (I hate thinking of myself as such, but here we are) is that there is a place for us in an otherwise family-oriented organization as the local church. All well and good, sure, but I already have a place at our home church, and don't intend to leave there, where I clearly feel needed; the only reason I'm doing this is to find a potential 'Megumi' who shares my beliefs, given that this seems unlikely here at home (or at least, I can neither determine who's feasibly available – there's obviously a point where a single girl is too young and I'm too presumptuous about approaching her – and if she would be amenable to my doing so. With this group, the first question is affirmed; all that's left is having the wisdom and timing to work on the second).
You would think that I'd easily be able to adjust my schedule to work this in, and I am – I can just head to church this evening instead of tomorrow morning, and go there in time to even participate in setup, like I've done before – but it's not like I can do this on an impulse. I still feel the need to clear it, both with the folks, who I won't see tomorrow morning after the service (since I won't be there) and with Daniel (who could – and will, now that we've spoken about it – drive himself to church on his own), who I feel the need to offer the option to accompany me this evening – or early tomorrow morning – should he be agreeable. So, despite being effectively 'on my own,' what I choose to do doesn't happen in a vacuum, and I find myself having to take that into account.
Well, I guess we'll see what happens. At least the donuts were tasty.
Anyway, that's what I'm dealing with today, honey. Hope you can keep an eye on me, and wish me luck, because I'm going to need it.
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