Is it about not having control?

rheadopmeijer

Jan 2

Or being able to influence any situation, or is it about lack of Love?

Is there a difference between not being able to influence or not having control in a situation, or are they the same coin and two sides? Could we come to an understanding this is also a matter of Love or lack of love caused by fear?

I was having some trouble today getting my balance in a pretty challenging situation, at least in my perspective it is pretty challenging. Because my broken ankle prevents me from moving around freely, let alone driving my car.

I find myself in a position that is asking a lot of surrendering in allowing others to assist me in lots of different aspects of my life. It is demanding on my nature or character to be the one who has no control or any influence at times. You can probably agree I am a bit of a control freak, just saying before anyone else will.

These situations have to do with just the simple, basic things in my day-to-day life. Like getting assistance with washing and aid to get dressed. Normally you don't even have to think about it, you do your own normal routine and are done.

You can choose to do it quick and in a hurry, or take your time to just enjoy a simple shower, do some practices, do yoga, and meditate, to get centered before the day starts. At least, I prefer to start my morning routine with some meditation and centering.

While typing my thoughts, I also realize how fortunate I am to have my normal capability after the healing process to do all these basic rituals. I am aware this is not the way a lot of people are able to start the day, being disabled in any way, or by circumstances don't even have the facilities to take a shower, or have a comfortable bed.

So my challenge feels somehow a bit of a luxury complaining aspect of myself. I know, every challenge has its own lesson to learn. For me, it is all about acceptance and surrendering. Not the easiest, I realize, yet I am not quite sure is it about letting go of control, or if it is because of lack of influence in this situation, that makes me off balance. Not a life-threatening experience, which sets it in perspective as well.

You know with certainty you will need assistance, and you already have taken the steps to make sure they will come in the morning to help you out. Yet not one-morning time schedule is the same. That's where my impatience starts kicking in. As a first of the emotional eruptions. Then there needs someone to come with me to the hospital, and how will I find someone?

Everybody is either busy at work, on the last days of the Christmas Holiday, or not feeling well enough due to colds and flu-like illnesses. In order to hold some kind of control, I was trying to order the groceries. Yet they are not able to deliver them to my home this week long. So my lack of control level is growing by the hour. And to top it off, I want to assist in the household, making up the bed, and my body is like what are you trying to pull off.

So I hit the ceiling of my own emotional turmoil at that point. It is so difficult to let go of the control of the life I had 3 weeks ago. What makes it even harder is the fact I have no influence over the scheduled care, the groceries being brought home, so I don't have to bother anyone else, or the fact my physical state is not allowing me to participate.

My normal way of life is being turned upside down, and as much as I would like to be able to say, I can do this, I keep hitting the same wall internally. So, yes I am stubborn, yes I am strong-willed, and yes I am a pain in my ass at times, not to mention to those around me. There is this ongoing drive within, to be able to do it for me, in any way I possibly can.

Or is it about the giving and receiving part within? Not so much control or influence. Could it be this is my challenge to bring in more and more balance between those two? For being proactive, it is easy to take a lead, step up to the plate, to give to others. My masculine part is well-developed, I have been told. The feminine aspect of receiving needs attention and needs to be addressed.

So my mirror is my turmoil by the way I feel when I have to wait and sit back in order to receive the necessary attention. Control and influence are more typical masculine energies and therefore more familiar to me to handle in my day-to-day life. Now I am dependent... and this is triggering an old emotional wound I know. So you could say, deep down, this internal turmoil is being caused by this old pain and dependency I experienced at that time.

The deeper I dive into the different layers that keep coming up, this whole idea of control and influence is part of the fear we have of losing, our existence, our family, our own health, and our ego. I know I created this scene so to speak, maybe not always that conscious, and more subconsciously. I choose my own emotional state as much as I dislike the upheavals and eruptions because they are all part of the equation.

So instead of fighting any emotional eruption like frustration, I can make a deliberate choice to embrace the energy, in order to come to an understanding of what it is that needs healing. Any time I can say I choose any emotion that isn't loving, I am working on the process of inner healing. Then it is time to face any fear that is still connected from within, and through any experience in any layer of my co-existence, I have with my inner and outside world.

I wasn't able to write this in one day. I had to go through the process of understanding, of acceptance, of going through the motions that caused pain, fear, and anxiety, on any level, physical, mental, and emotional.

Only then I was able to go down the deeper layers of the issue at hand, which is more than just what is touching the surface. It is about being brave enough to dive in and feel and sense all that is being exposed. Going through every phase of the suffering I feel within my loved ones as well as my own.

When it is time to let go, you cannot let go a little, you have to go all the way in order to connect with this inner well that is found underneath all the layers hidden through fearful and painful experiences. Life force is essential in order to live. Life force is the same as Love.

We cannot live without it. We cannot live without the energy love creates within our inner and outer worlds. For love is life, and as long there is fear, we cannot live to our full extent. So all we can do, willingly and lovingly, for ourselves is to let go of fear to the fullest.

There we will find our own grail, our own treasure, the way we all want to experience: true love. We all need to be in love, with our inner core, the beauty we all are, love is actually all around and within. The Christmas feel we have at this time of the year, is actually more universal than most of us realize.

There is more need for love than there is for fear, so this is what we pursue. Only now it is time to look for it within, not out there, it will be reflected anyway by the ones you love and love you. May this be a time we all are more inner-connected than interconnected. May this be our NOW experience, that Love is actually all within us.

And so it will Be.

High Self @RheaDopmeijer (c)
Heartfelt Messages 22-12-2015