I don't recognise myself. Who is this calm, chilled out, not-overthinking, no questioning, woman in love?
Is this love?
Is this what it is supposed to feel like?
Because if so, then it's no wonder I've been a crazed person thinking I'm too traumatised by the events of life to be able to date without fear, or worry, or desperation! It's not until now that you realise how wrong all the men that have come before, have been!
At no point in the last 2 years have I dated someone without having some burning question in the back of my head, descending me into a spiral of self-pity. Things like;
Does he like me?
Should I text him first?
If I say this, will he run a mile?
Do I even like him?
Do I trust him?
Is he seeing/talking to other women?
Am I good enough?
What does he see in me?
I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't thought any of those questions at the very beginning, but after date 3, I've very much been under the influence of Mr-No-Name and since then, there has been nothing but calm.
There is equal investment, equal effort, equal openness, I trust this man, more than I have ever trusted anybody. There are no half truths in his stories for me to pick apart, there is no hiding the shameful parts of us. Our shadow selves are fully in the light with each other. We are completely transparent and I. AM. HERE. FOR. IT.
I have no clue. Zero. About how this man has gotten under my skin. My days are consumed by thoughts about him, us, our future.
We've talked about living together. He's met my family, I'm due to meet his in the new year.
We talked about our outlook on having children together, marriage, holidays. We've discussed our financial position.
My ego is perfectly silent, content and happy.
The old me, without a shadow of a doubt, would be wondering why him? What's he got that the others don't? What solace are we finding between each other, what wounds are we healing for one another? I might go so far to ask what is it about him that gives me confidence? But whilst I have typed all of these questions out, specifically for this blog, I don't care to answer any of them. The questions are fleeting in the moment and vanished the next because I'm just present. Not even choosing to be present, but finding that is the natural rhythm and routine my mind and body takes when it comes to this southern boy who has quite literally, turned my world on its head.
In 5 years, I have never, not once, felt like sharing this space I call my home. And yet, I long for the day he's here full-time. If it wasn't for my son, it would have happened yesterday.
I've never relied on anybody for anything, saving my independence, as protection against the hurt and suffering that comes with the commitment to another person. But, here I am, giving it all up for him, submitting to the deep desire to merge with another person and become 1.
Who even am I?
He tells me, he is in love with me. And I don't question it. I believe him, with every fibre of my being, I know I am loved. I feel it through his words, actions and commitments to me.
I rely on him. That's the biggest compliment I could ever give anybody. My trust issues don't exist with him. He completes me.
My 5 must haves, and all those other immutable needs and desires that I have ever spouted on about since the creation of this blog are utterly inconsequential.
Because the truth is this…
When you meet your soul mate, every bad experience, crazy thought, negative emotion, heartache and heartbreak, every annoyance, every fight, every tear fallen, every tissue, every sleepless night, every pit of jealousy, every unanswered text, every double-text or every tongue-held thought, every invisible barrier, or perceived walls, and every blog that you've ever written to untangle your thought, disappears. It's like the slate is completely wiped clean and none of it ever existed.
That's what it is, to be in love.
It really is a new year, new me.
New Us.
Ciao.
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