This is more of a checking in sort of blog post, because there's so much going on for me emotionally that I don't have space to think about anything else. I usually try and process my feelings into something useful before I write about them, but that's not how today is going to work.
I talk about mental health issues a lot, because that form of ill health looms very large in my life. So much of this comes down to my sense of self and the amount of self hatred I carry. I didn't come to that on my own. For reasons, I depend a lot on external validation, and if the feedback I'm relying on gives me the feeling that I'm awful and a failure, I'm in trouble.
This might sound like a rather too obvious thing to write, but it has finally occurred to me that I get a vote in all of this. I can pick the people who do external validation for me. I don't have to assume that the most critical voices are the fairest or the most accurate. I don't have to continue struggling with the versions of me that I've been offered by the people who liked me least or thought least of me. I don't have to keep taking that inside.
There are people in my life who reflect back versions of me that I like. There are spaces where I can be a person I rather like being. The impact on my mental health of being able to do that is huge. I struggle with feeling good enough, but not all the time, not in all contexts.
It is really difficult to feel good about yourself if you are in spaces that undermine your confidence. Even a person with good self esteem will be ground down if they spend enough time in a shitty workplace, or an abusive relationship. No one is immune to this. If you start out better resourced, you'll be able to hold out for longer, but any of us can be crushed given enough pressure and time. Avoiding that is something best handled in teams.
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