I've been caught up in watching "Inside man" these past few days, so thoughts of Matt have drifted to the back of my mind. Since he last messaged, I've seen his facebook messenger on green - the 'go' signal for messaging friends who are available but I've been careful to not give into the impulse and not message.
It's been hard, but I've put into place the practices I learnt in hospital - to take a step back/away from whatever the unhealthy urge is, to take deep breaths, to remind myself of the facts...that kind of thing.
As I was writing the last blog on "Inside man", Matt messaged me. He sent a Bible scripture from Romans 8:18 - "What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal".
Err...ok?!?
I am suffering NOW because of you, Matt. You know that, right?
I have 'suffered' the constant heartache from being in love with you for almost 3 FUCKING DECADES of my life - because of you reaching back when I reach out.
YOU said we would message each other less - yet within a few days, you are messaging me.
NOT COOL, Matt.
For my heart's sake - just leave me alone. Please.
Don't change the rules and the game while I'm still trying to learn the basics, that's not fair. Not even with Bible scriptures.
It would be good if you gave me some space to try to forget you...just like you forget about me whenever it suits you. Let me recover before you message again...because hearing from you is just confusing.
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