Understanding Your Anger

Rosa Castro Psy.D

Oct 3

It is one of the emotional reactions least desired by others who take advantage of us.

Here's the reality, everyone gets angry, even if they don't express it or recognize it. We have been socially conditioned to see anger as a sign of weakness and something we should avoid. We are not weak because we feel; we are human beings confronted by experiences that invoke internal reactions.

Like all others, anger is an emotion that should not be avoided and repressed. No, I am not suggesting you rage or act out your anger. I am saying, allow yourself to feel your anger without letting it take over. One reason our anger turns to rage or becomes destructive has a lot to do with how we repress or minimize it. Pretending or telling ourselves things don't get us angry does not make an emotion disappear; it simply gets tucked inside and festers.

To learn to manage your anger productively, first, let's examine what's behind the emotion:

Being diminished – having someone telling you that your views or feelings do not matter or are not a big deal
Not being validated – having your thoughts or feelings go unrecognized
Injustice – being taken advantage of without consequences to their behaviors
Boundaries violated – when someone does not respect our boundaries and continuously crosses the line, this can contribute to a buildup of frustrations.
Unresolved patterns – when we historical ignore how we feel about matters, those repressed events pile up internally, contributing to behavior patterns
Concealed trauma – repressing the significance of an event that caused trauma
Feeling victimized – being continuously harassed or mistreated
Manipulation – when someone gets their way by using trickery
Being gaslighted – when a person tries to diminish you by making you feel that you are not thinking clearly and that you are incorrect for having your feelings.

Managing your Anger

You have the right to have an emotional reaction if you have been harassed, abused, manipulated, etc. No one can tell you when or why you should not be angry. However, you want to effectively express your anger and not create problems, specifically legal ones. Here are tips to help you express your anger without landing in jail:

Put yourself on time out for a few minutes or more until the intensity is reduced.
Process your feelings and examine the reason behind your anger.
Communicate your feelings when you are calmer and not prone to exploding
Avoid being abusive when expressing your anger; otherwise, the essence of your message gets lost.
Learn to speak up early rather than letting things pile up.
Practice mindfulness to be able to share your feelings without rage
Avoid physical expressions of anger; however, work out if you need to let out physical steam.
Use a journal or the computer to write down what you are feeling
If your anger is not reduced, but you need to communicate, do it by email but first reread your message before sending it.
Avoid sharing your anger at the same time as someone else who is angry because two hotheads will not communicate clearly

Managing your anger does not mean you ignore how you feel. It means you develop healthy ways to express it without creating more chaos or problems in your life.

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