I'm rather tired today, but I suppose that makes sense when one had less than four hours of sleep. My sleep has been exceptionally good the last couple of weeks and rather good for several months, so last night was quite the anomaly. In fact, despite nearly five years of continually poor sleep, last night was the worst in at least a couple of those years. I do not know why. While there are times when the brain doesn't want to shut off, I don't feel that this was the case last night, and I am generally good at compartmentalizing thoughts and feelings and setting them aside for another time. After a couple of hours of tossing and turning, knowing I didn't have anything important the next day, I finally got out of bed and moved to the living room until almost 3 o'clock in the morning when I finally crawled back into bed. When I woke up a few hours later, I felt surprisingly fresh and alert, but now, at nearly midday, I can feel the fatigue in my eyes.
This week ahead feels heavy and full before it even really begins.
My bathroom is half ripped apart with a new tub going in today. The other half of the bathroom will be ripped apart a bit later once the new vanity arrives. Quiet in the house has been frequently disrupted by the screams of the saw and drill. I'm pretty sure I had drywall dust stuck in my throat for a while yesterday.
We've been noticing changes in our cat that would seem to indicate that she is no longer living her best life and we will probably need to make the decision soon. Thinking about that makes me cry and I am not looking forward to making the phone call to arrange that appointment, but the changes in her even in the past week have been quite dramatic. She barely eats and no longer shows interest in any food we might be eating in her presence. Even her beloved treats have gone untouched the past couple of days. She is sleeping much more than usual and shows almost no interest in anyone or anything. At 20, she is a super senior cat, which sounds like something heroic and awesome, until you realize how old and frail and unwell she is. She can't live forever, but it's hard to imagine her not being here.
The five year anniversary of herniating my disc is later this week. That's not a sad occasion to think about anymore and, for reasons, I am choosing to celebrate it this year, which I plan to blog about later. But I am a sentimental person and there is always weight involved with emotions and memories. As I mentioned earlier, I compartmentalize fairly well, so I typically don't feel consumed by these sorts of things as I go about my daily routines. As I sat in the recliner in the living room last night, the burning in my legs and feet felt just a little bit stronger than my current normal. Not so bad as to be worrisome but enough to be more annoying than usual. A constant reminder that while November 4 will always be just another day on the calendar for most, it will always mean a something more to me.
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