Can we Rebuild After Betrayal? An Interview with Chloe

Don't Lose Hope

Oct 7

Counselor: You told me you chose to stay with your husband after you learned of the betrayal. That was 6 years ago. I can imagine it's been a very difficult journey. Can you tell me a bit about it?

Chloe: There have been so many losses to deal with, and the losses come up constantly. You think that you've finally dealt with everything, then something happens, and you feel the pain again. And then you have to grieve all over again.

Sometimes I feel I'm on a merry go-round that I can never get off.

Counselor: That sounds exhausting.

Chloe: Yes. It is exhausting. And sometimes I feel as if I want to give up. But the thing is, I love my husband and, despite everything, I still want us to be together.

It's been very difficult trying to figure out what the truth of the past has really been, and trying to figure out who my husband really was. Right now, I feel like I do have the truth, and I think I understand what was behind his behaviour.

Counselor: It sounds like you've done a lot of questioning. And you say you still want to be together, and build a future with your husband. What has that journey been like for you?

Chloe: It's been difficult because there are triggers everywhere. You don't just wake up one morning and say: "OK. Now I trust. Let's put all that painful stuff behind us and start again." Well, on one level you do. But the reality is: the past keeps intruding on the present, and on your ability to move into the future. You have flashbacks, and you're unexpectedly hit by pain, and anger, and sorrow, and times of extreme anxiety. I have had so many anxieties.

Counselor: What sorts of anxieties have you had to deal with?

Chloe: Can I trust what he says? Can I trust his actions – even when it really looks like he's changed? What if the change isn't permanent and he isn't strong enough to say "no" to himself, if he has the chance to stray, in the future?

And I worry about my health. STDs. The effect of the stress and anxiety on my health …

Counselor: Those are all very legitimate concerns. How have you dealt with those?

Chloe: Mainly by reminding myself that there are no certainties in life. All I can do is keep my eyes and ears open, and use my best judgment.

I have also had to deal with the emotions around making myself vulnerable and choosing to trust my husband again. That can feel incredibly risky at times. It can feel like a crazy thing to do.

Counselor: But that's the decision you've made?

Chloe: Yes, after 6 years! Not after 18 months, or even 5 years. I don't think I would have been ready to trust before now. I honestly believe it isn't wise to trust again too soon. I owed it to myself to protect myself.

Plus, I don't think my emotions would have allowed me to be at this place earlier on. Even now, I still get triggered and feel panicky at times. But I'm honest with myself, and I acknowledge how I feel. I don't try to silence or repress my emotions. But I also remind myself of all the different reasons why I have decided it is safe to trust. And, usually, that helps a lot.

Counselor: Thanks very much for your honesty, Chloe. I really appreciate you sharing this with us. I hope it will help some other women who are walking similar road to you.

"Take all the time you need to heal. Moving on doesn't take a day. It takes a lot of little steps to break free of the past, and heal your broken self."

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