Messy Heart

khajuriasakshi

Sep 12

My heart is racing at a speed of 240 km/hr. I have been restless and having the worst hangover that could be possible of last night. And it ain't about Susan or anything. Its about me and where I am heading. I need to sort this mess of feelings and compartmentalize them. Or else these are gonna give me a very a tough time, even tougher than the last time. I was not ready then, I am not ready now. Who is ever ready to handle the mess of emotions? I have to organize these and be practical about a lot of stuff. The balance between emotions and practical things is very important. This much I know. But the how part is something I have always struggled with.

There had been roadblocks with my family and I handled those pretty well as compared to all this. With family, you always have a sense of security and comfort that no matter what they got your back and you got theirs. For the major part of my life, I had kept my family a very personal and private affair. No one was allowed to be an extension of the family I already had. And may be that's why regardless of whatever happened in my childhood (this part is to be discussed at some other time), I was never this mess. I always managed to handle stuff and feelings, maintained a work-life and emotional- practical balance in life. Because somewhere I felt safe and content because my family was intact.

Then I put my walls down for someone and allowed that person to be a part of my family. And the foundation of mess that I am today was laid. There were really many beautiful, awesome and family moments with Susan. And for the better part of it, I was grateful to put my walls down and let her enter my shell. But then things went south and I lost her. Loosing her is not that tough, trust me when I say this; what's tough is loosing her as family. I was not yet ready to loose another person of my family. It feels like one of the essential pillars of my life has been uprooted and I don't know what to do about it. I am not someone who replaces. I am someone who adds. Replacement to me is like treachery and I hate treachery.

But having this fallen pillar in my head is also not doing any good. Its corroding the entire structure now. Should I just bury it in the very ground, it was standing upon? Would it be unfair? There is no right and wrong in this; its all a very big grey area. If it had been corroding only me, I would have cherished it forever, I couldn't care less to keep it with me all my life. But its affecting the other people who are and can be important in my life; people who can be pillars to my structure of sanity. And I simply shouldn't allow it to happen. So may be its for the best if I just bury it somewhere deep in the ocean where no one can find it ever again; all the good and not so good part, just the all of it.

And to add cherry to the cake, I had spilled my guts to Sanya about all of it because I don't like hiding important stuff from the person I want to build something with and also I want her valuable opinions to learn how to attain the balance. She is no doubt way more sorted and wiser than me in all of this. But I am terrorized by the fact that I might scare her with all this serious stuff. Technically its too soon to discuss all this stuff with her; but I just don't know how to hide things. So, I am hoping that she will tell me if the sharing part gets too much for her. She is a sweet soul. I don't want to hurt or scare her with all of my mess and craziness. But I also believe that she is mature and wise enough to tell me about the boundaries if she feels like setting them somewhere, instead of ghosting me.

So, you can say that I am a douche bag who believes too much in Love and its power and as someone who doesn't know how to give up on humans and herself when it comes to trust and believing in love. The fingers are crossed. But in the end, love is gonna win that I am sure about; the only thing I am not sure about: who's gonna be able to keep up with this serious, crazy, douche-bag person who is mad about the concept of love. But ya whoever is gonna stay, I will leave no stone turned to make that person feel the most special and amazing being in this entire universe. I know how it feels to be cheated upon, to be not respected, to be not feeling worthy of someone, feeling of being unloved; so ya I am never gonna make another person feel all these horrible things. I have so much love to give and in return I expect long hugs and transparency.

Bye until next time. Take care fellas. You can also drop in your suggestions about how to attain that balance. I would love to read and try your opinions.

(P.S. : The next part of "The girl I met online" will be live in a couple of days. I don't want to disrespect her by writing about her when I am this mess. It won't do justice to her and to our story. Stay tuned.)