An Interview with Pattie – The Role of Kindness in Healing

Don't Lose Hope

Sep 2

Pattie experienced betrayal trauma when she learned that her husband of 35 years had actually been unfaithful for most of their marriage. Below, she shares about the role kindness played in helping her to slowly start to heal.

"What has helped me over time is noticing the small kindnesses of others, and trying to absorb some of that kindness and love.

When you experience betrayal trauma, it causes you totally shut down inside. You don't trust anyone. You can't feel at all. It's like nothing can penetrate the wall around your heart. You can't open up and let anybody in. You also don't want to let anybody in.

But as time passed, that began to change. I started to notice some small kindnesses. It might be something as insignificant as a friendly sales assistant who took time to be extra nice to me. Or the barista at Starbucks who always smiled at me. Or anybody, really, who actually saw me … and did something thoughtful that they didn't need to do. You've no idea how very powerful that was.

It's amazing how transforming those small kindness are - because for the longest time you don't believe people are kind. You become hard, suspicious, and quite cynical. You can't believe in goodness. That's way too dangerous.

But it was in noticing these small, ordinary kindnesses by people who didn't know me – and who still treated me well - that enabled me to notice how others treated me. More significant people like my colleagues, casual friends and, eventually, my closer, more long-standing friends.

At first it was more of an intellectual – almost surprising - noticing. But then I started making the effort to consciously notice when the people in my life were treating me well. When they were treating me as someone they liked, and as someone who mattered to them. And that was good for me. It made a dent in my armour. It created a chink which let the warmth in, and allowed me to believe in humanity again. It helped me to feel hopeful, even happy, again.

Still, it took a long time before I began wanting to have more open, trusting, and genuine relationships with people. And moving from wanting this, to allowing myself to take risks, was a very slow and measured process. But I did take that step. And, generally I found it to be a good thing.

So today I am in a much better place. I would say I enjoy some close relationships again, and am able to believe there really are people who like me, care about me, and who I can trust to treat me well.

Yes, it's taken a while to get here – and I wouldn't say I trust the way I did before I experienced betrayal trauma. But, even so, I have changed. I have experienced some healing … And I share this to give hope to other women who are struggling - like I was for so long. Perhaps the kindnesses of others can help to free you, too.

I really hope so!"

"Never doubt that thousands of invisible hands are helping you at all times. Love is everywhere, even if you can't see it. The tenderest care will arrive when you least expect it, and from someone whose name you will never know." – Elizabeth Gilbert

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