We all experience loss at some stage of our lives. Some more than others, and some more traumatically than others but we all must face death, even our own. But we generally are not good with dealing with death. Even to say the words "xxx is dead" seems nigh on impossible… they have passed, gone into another room, gone to heaven and so on but never dead.
I don't have an issue with that word as for me it is exactly what it is… a soul leaving the body it has used as a visible 'covering' whilst it learnt, it served, and it grew. When the soul has finished what it came to do, it leaves the shell and moves on to whatever it has chosen to do next.
I'm pretty simplistic in my thoughts and beliefs and I make no apology if this view of death doesn't match yours as I am the writer here and I've come to express what is personal to me not to hold a religious debate (although I'm open to that at another time).
When my mother passed 26 years ago, I had a faith which left me bereft as I couldn't make sense of what had happened. I had to deal with the sudden death of my mother and the birth of my first child within days and nothing at all made sense. My faith, my belief in a god, shattered into a million pieces and I simply couldn't process, understand or forgive.
But time passes and we find a way to get through it all and in that we can never judge another as we all have to do it in a way that is pure for us and us alone. I had to travel much deeper and to a much darker place over some years before I could find something within that made me want to believe and grow again. The choice was made and I began.
My mother was dead. That was an uncomfortable sentence. Why? Because dead meant I would never see her again; never hear her call my name, never listen to her playing the piano or watch her creating beautiful flower arrangements or witness her drinking wine and becoming mischievous. All those things I loved had suddenly become only ever a memory and even some of those have already gone (in that I can no longer hear her voice) but I know each time I look in the mirror I see a little of her in the face I see looking back and that makes me smile.
My mother is dead. How hard to say and how hard to accept but once I found my way to believe and make sense of what comes next a sense of peace came over me and I understood far more than I could have ever have imagined. For me, this is just one life. This is just one journey. This is just one set of experiences and adventures. For me, this is one of many and the body I have is but an outer covering. What is far more important to me is how I treat my soul whilst I am here and to that end I feed it every minute of every day.
How? Well, always with respect. I find gratitude in everything in my life; big or small doesn't matter, what is important is that I both find and acknowledge it. I read, I listen, I watch, I discuss, I learn, I empower myself to do and see and think and be more. I be the best I can be and then seek out those who teach me more. I take time to allow my soul to rest and reflect and observe the world. I take care of my body as best I can to ensure my soul has a happy home. I nourish them both. Every. Single. Day.
My soul has made a choice of what it needs to learn or experience and I don't know if that is going to take 60 or 100 years so I ensure I live in every day. Maybe my move to Sicily has been the last part of the learning, maybe I have other places to experience yet… I simply do not know but I do know that with every experience, every walk, conversation, observation, book, breath, I am feeding my soul and in that I am at peace.
Death does not worry me because I know there is something more… I don't know what, when, why or how but my faith holds me steadfast in the knowledge that when my body no longer serves me, I still go on. I. The very essence of me, what makes me me, will go on to something, somewhere else and I am okay with that.
We all deal with death in our own way and no way is ever wrong but we need to begin to talk about it more and acknowledge that death is as much about life as it is about death. Our ending is our beginning and our beginning is our ending. Our children can manage death if we treat it as part of life. Our grief doesn't necessarily get easier but we do find our own way of managing it. If we can find a way to talk about it and how it is impacting us we may find a chink of light we didn't realise was there.
We are all here to experience life and our choices determine the what and how and ultimately we experience life knowing that at some point death is always the outcome. I cannot speak for you but I can tell you that when that day comes for me, I intend to leave this world at peace knowing that I have lived and I have loved and I have been all I could be. No matter how it ends, I know my soul goes on and for me that is enough to make living, really living life, worth every second.
Only those I leave behind will grieve (and yes the pain they will experience makes me sad even now) but all they will see is the body I no longer need because I have outgrown it. I will not grieve for me, because I am already on my way to something, somewhere else. My soul needs more and I must ensure it arrives to the next place safely.
My loved ones will have their memories of our times together and yet those will fade, but until the last time my name is said or someone thinks of me, I am alive in this world (but I already know I will be experiencing another adventure somewhere else).
No comments:
Post a Comment