Back From The Edge

confessionsofabillionaire

Sep 29

A collection of bad decisions has had me head locked in the shackles of an extremely bad routine. A bulldozing abysmal autopilot mode that constantly has been fueled by pure laziness and relentless procrastination, deep rooted fear and staggering hopelessness, brain locking trauma and just simply being stuck in my old backward ways.

Where has this all left me? It has left me right into a place where I have found comfort in doing the bare minimum, in my mind is the idea that if I do the standard activities then I won't set myself to expect great results and if my expectations are low, should I fail then disappointment and frustration will only graze me;won't leave a mark (Ever heard that your own mind can work against you? Well it's true, read Ego is the Enemy by Ryan holiday to explore more on this).

I have been very unproductive, so hard headed and overly focused on "Healing" myself through self-destructive toxic ways. Ways like relaxing way too much when I should be putting in the actual work to heal, prioritizing instant gratification and fleeting moments whose worth I won't even remember years from now (But I'd remember their gradual eating-away results because moving the way I have been, would only lead me down a path where darkness is all I'd end up seeing).

Anyways this piece isn't fully detailed nevertheless, it will not be short and I'm not about to make it entirely about what I've been doing wrong and how I have been the architect of the slow growth and development of my life (No!).

Instead, it's a piece about how I've come to an epiphany of how I have been doing a lot but most of the much I've been doing has been detrimental to own health (I've been naive to this). What really has brought me to wake up from the slumber of delusion huh?

"I'm just waking up now, in the tears of the one I love, it's quiet I bet everybody thinks I'm done, I need to get up now, I've been down here for too long two years I've been lost now I remember who I was"

James Arthur-Remember Who I Was

I'll talk about four things:

Lost

You ever been in a place where you feel so unfamiliar and not in a good way;as in unfamiliarity that comes with stepping into the world with an evolved version of yourself but basically not recognizing where you are because you are living behind time, events have been overtaking you (left, right, centre) and you have lost a sense of some control and direction (allow me to even say your sense of why you are on this earth has been misplaced on the order of your priorities). That's been me, I have had the knowledge that at this point in life, I'm supposed to have evolved to a certain level (Spiritually, psychologically, physically and financially) but I haven't put in any work to propel me into a lane of growth sprouts and thus the unfamiliarity.

You feel out of place because you actually are, you haven't put in work to heal and move on from situations, people and events. This leaves you stuck and time can be rude, very impatient so much that it waits for no one. It goes on even if you choose to remain static. The changes around you then become constant reminders that you should've evolved, acquired a threshold level of discipline that will allow you to take on life's problems conveniently (Where pressure will turn you into a diamond and not make you fold or break you in half).

So I have been lost, my identity couldn't be found in what I do, who I was raised to be or who I have always aspired to be. One of the traits that was groomed in me is "Hard work". With this you can do anything (most things, to do all things however you'll need the strength that Christ provides)

Hard work is basically being willing to put in effort despite the opposition. I have been raised to live like that but for the last two years it hasn't been like that.

Two years

I'm currently a sophomore, been taking in this Chiradzulu air for twenty four months and it hasn't been a smooth sailing journey (Not that I expected it to be, I just thought I'd gracefully rise up to problems that surfaced and not shun them). The shunning of the problems is because I have been lost, I have not been able to track my progress (generally, I've been doing more moving forward but less progressing). It is hard to live in this world when you do not know who you are, when you are lost.

Even butterflies emerge as caterpillars then realise oh this isn't who I am then go into a cocoon mode to find who. They then they spread their wings and the whole world states in awe.

You only can make an impact when you know who you are, it's like that thing where you cannot speak for others if you cannot speak for yourself. You need to know your voice so that you can stand up for yourself and others, should you not know where you stand or what you stand then you risk falling for anything that comes your way.

My stay hasn't been entirely bad. I wrote this to share that I have been more lost than found, there has been light but it has been enough to light my way out of this consuming darkness. I've been clumsy and such a kluzt so much that most things that were handed to me have slipped their way out of my hands. Anyways I found love and that has been the light that has kept me going.

The One(s) I love

Home is a place where you are loved without even asking to be cared for. The people around you foster your growth on purpose, they are intentional and determined to see you caterpillar into a butterfly.

A place where you are loved is a place where you grow, you flourish and you're nurtured. But if you are not receptive, all that love just collects dust and so do you cause you remain in one place and one thing about remaining in one place is that you don't go anywhere (Think about it, no like really think about it before you go like isn't that obvious nawe Cole lol).

Home is a place where there is love. I found a home in the lives of certain individuals here at school (CU). Platonically (My friends) and romantically (Babe, hie Anita lol) I have been blessed. But sometimes it becomes hard for you to recognize your blessings when you are lost (for two years or more) and all you do is complain and find problems because you have created a bigger problem by shunning problems (all because you are lost, because of not putting in the work, what a chain huh?). When you are lost, you are focused on what you don't have rather than what you have and you lose things things once you are lost. One of the things you lose is the ability to appreciate the things or people around you, and eventually if you do not appreciate what you have you lose it.
But there comes a day where silence that a prayer brings, makes way for you into a land of epiphanies and in that moment you wake up to reality.

The Wake Up Cole!

I woke up to a bunch of texts, mostly school groups. Didn't exactly check them again because for the longest I have not been able to find my identity in school, I went to the dms of the girl that I love. Her text translated to say "Classes have gone South today, let's go study", prior to me seeing this she had called me to tell me to go and study (what a hun yeah?).

Her call and the text, helped me receive the message the universe (God) has been sending me all this time: Time apportionment, to allocate time based what is most significant. To be honest, there is nothing you can tell someone who is defensive about their actions because in a defensive stance, one's ears become sense proof. I believe it can only take the word of God to get through to you when you are triggered by people trying to point you in the right direction.

I've had plenty of realisations over the last two years but none of them came with a strong desire to put the newly acquired knowledge into action. Part of the reason I have failed is because the task to change has been seemingly too big for me to execute and just like that everytime I perceived things like that, defeat took over. But like I've said, all things can be done through Christ who strengthens us, you look at the work you need to do with God eyes, you rely on his energy to move mountains from the creator and it happens will be done.

What exactly have I woken up to? I was at church the other day and our pastor said something along the lines of if you don't love yourself you become a burden to you partner and that was it for me, it was one of the outliers of that divine evening. Today these words were beautifully highlighted, they were adorned with grace. To top this up I had a conversation with one of the smartest people ever, guy said

Love is not investing in someone, when you love someone, you invest in yourself for your partner (To facilitate their growth in all areas, if you've been paying attention by now you should know that my definition of what love is dances around the idea of extending oneself for the growth of another, it doesn't involve you getting anything in return, at least not directly;Read The Road Less Travelled for a comprehensive love definition).

In the follow up moments after she called me and texted me, I realised I love this person and I need to change (Exit the lazy and unproductive mode) otherwise I'll be a burden and wither who she is trying to become (This is the opposite of love, loves flourishes people and it never withers them).

From then on I looked around me and realised my life is interconnected with others. I need to actively and intentionally put in the work in who I want to be for the betterment of those I love (friends, family). My closest friend, always check up on me on how I'm doing (academically, spiritually, financially etc) from time to time, they are some of the pillars sent from God to support my growth which in the end will facilitate other people's growth as well and that is how love changes the world (Ever wonder why the greatest law of all involves love? Well part of the explanation is that).

For the recent development, it has been pivoted by one person's actions, she's amazing, she's probably taking a nap now (lol) and she's The Love Of My Life (Thank you). What next now? Well, let's just wait and see.

That is all I had for you today beautiful people, Take care!

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