I don't really need glasses. I had noticed when I went to school that words from far away seemed blurry - which was new. I went to get my eyes checked and the eye doctor basically said, "I could give you a prescription but your eyesight is almost perfect, you don't really need glasses."
I assume the blurriness must just be me getting older, but I still don't qualify as having bad enough eyesight to need glasses. Obviously that's a good thing. I ended up getting glasses that Seth mostly picked out for me, that did somewhat help me read far away words better, but I just didn't end up liking them. They made everything else feel somewhat blurry, and I hated the style. They were thick black rounded frames. I felt like they made my face look more round and just ick.
Well lately I have been watching this girl on YouTube, she films cooking videos and mukbangs. She lately has been wearing these round Harry Potter looking frame glasses with no lenses. Some people in the comments say shit like, "are you wearing glasses with no lenses?" or "Why don't your glasses have lenses?" and I get it, that it might seem weird or messed up for a person to wear glasses who doesn't even need them - especially to make it so obvious as to not even have lenses in the glasses. But I like them. As someone who doesn't need glasses but who reads a lot and is a nerdy woman, I feel like the look and aesthetic of glasses is something that fits me and my interests and personality. They look smart and studious. In Portland there was a specific kind of hipster glasses that many women wore, and I really like them.
I looked up eyeglasses with clear lenses, or "fake" eyeglasses and found some them actually serve a purpose (unless it's a bullshit claim, who knows), but they supposedly block the blue light from screens. I stare at a computer all day and then usually stare at a phone or the TV unless I am reading on my Kindle or a paper book. I have been getting these weird headaches somewhat often. So I thought, oh how nice...maybe something that could make me look/feel smart and sexy, that might also possibly help with that.
I got them in the mail yesterday and I was so excited. I put them on and looked at myself and wow yeah it was the look I was going for. I looked like a sexy librarian. Like a nerdy hipster. The glasses were oversized (which is what I wanted) and they seemed to make my face look smaller. I often feel self conscious about my face because it's somewhat large compared to other women's faces. I have large features - big eyes, wide nose, biggish mouth/lips. Big eyebrows. I also have a face that looks full because I have extra fat on me, which translates to my face. These glasses being so big made my face look smaller which I loved.
I went to show Seth and he...hated them.
At first he acted like he just hated them on my face and they didn't fit well with my face shape and didn't flatter my type of face. But then as I continued to wear them and push back, he became actually upset emotionally. He almost whined for me to stop and to take them off. I knew then that something was weird. I asked why it was bothering him so much.
He said that the glasses made me look like a different person. Made me look "mean".
I immediately realized. His ex must have worn glasses like these. He was getting triggered because suddenly I looked like the woman who had basically verbally abused him and hurt him in many ways.
I could understand what he meant. When Seth had shaved his face almost completely before, I remember feeling weird and feeling like ugh he looks like one of those overly handsome douchebags, I don't like seeing his face look like this. It's almost like the "sexier" or more typically cool or attractive someone looks, it's possible they also look less approachable, more unattainable or something.
I also felt that way when he put on basketball shorts one day. He only has one pair and he almost never wears them but he did one day when he ran out of clean clothes and it triggered me for sure. Not in as bad of a way as him with the glasses, but I definitely felt a feeling like, "Ew. That does not look right on him" and I was triggered by memories of my ex who ONLY ever wore loose basketball shorts and I always felt like he looked like a bum.
So for me, the basketball shorts sent a signal of "this person looks like a bum" or the shaved face was, "he looks like a jerk" so I can understand, for him, the oversized hipster glasses signaled, "this woman looks mean or bitchy".
He even said the glasses reminded him of my friend Karen who admittedly, did have similar glasses and she was the epitome of, kind of superficial, vapid, girl who is wearing sexy nerd glasses just to look more sexy. It was definitely a "thing" in Portland, the hot superficial girls wearing those kind of glasses. Apparently he dated two different women in Portland who wore similar glasses. Not saying both of them were hot (I have never seen them in pictures or in person thank god - I don't need their images living in my brain the rest of my life). But they both abused Seth in different ways, one much more overtly (emotional, physical, mental, verbal), the other mostly verbal abuse (yelling and saying mean things to hurt him).
I get it. I can obviously understand. When I put on the glasses, I remind him of his abusers. I can imagine that is extremely distressing and triggering.
Actually, sometimes Seth reminds me of Eric, I think I've written about that before. It was really difficult in the beginning for me to get over the triggering feelings. When his voice would sound similar, his face somewhat, eyes.
It's difficult to get over these triggers that strike fear in us. I don't want to make Seth feel that way. Just so I can have fun wearing sexy librarian glasses. I know being in a marriage is about compromise. Does it really hurt me to not be able to wear the glasses? No it doesn't. But it does hurt him if I wear them and he has to feel that anxiety looking at me and feeling like he is seeing his abuser instead of his wife. I don't have to wear them. Case closed.
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