Dear Lola,
I've noticed items from my desk seem to be in disarray some mornings when I come into work. I became frustrated as I realized items like sticky notes and pens would go missing. I mentioned the situation to a friend in the office and she said she had the same problem. She assumed she simply misplaced things but I know my missing items weren't an accident. I feel ridiculous approaching management about such a silly problem, but I'm also sick of having my favorite office supplies, which I purchase using my own money, go missing in the night. What should I do to solve this problem?
Sincerely,
Ink Indictment
Dear Ink Indictment,
Quick! Erect the gallows and prepare the noose, a pen prowler is on the loose! No desk is safe, no sticky note secure, the robber is coming to steal all you hold dear.
I've rounded up a posse and we're on our way to assist you!
On second thought, I have a lot of snacks and packing them would be quite labor intensive. I'm also in the middle of watching a new TV series and I've heard transit by steed is rather slow going. I guess we'll have to stick with the usual method of dispensing advice through digital means.
Have you considered an airhorn rigged to the opening of your drawer?
I know what you're thinking, this could be a nightmare if you set it before lunch and then forget to disarm it upon your return. Sure, you could look at the downside but I prefer to look at the bright, magnificent sunshine. Imagine the look of utter terror on your thieving coworker's face when that horn lets out a massive bellow as they're trying to discreetly steal your favorite pen. You'll chortle with delight every time your coworkers recount the story.
You could also consider deploying a smoke bomb on your way out the door.
Like the airhorn, you'll rig it to go off as soon as your drawer is opened by an unauthorized person. Again, I know you're thinking about the negative aspects of a smoke bomb being set off inside the office building - I share your same worries. Yes, panic may ensue. Yes, the fire department will likely be called. On a more positive note, your pens will still be where you left them - albeit soaked in a bit of water.
In the event you want to actually keep your employment, I do have a few methods that utilize no loud sounds or panic-inducing visual effects. Thank goodness I am brilliant.
Coat your pens in luminescent dye and then place them into your desk.
Your unsuspecting coworker will pilfer an innocent pen or two. The next morning, you simply walk into the office wielding a black light flashlight. Casually stroll past each worker and shine the light over them. Once you've located the culprit, snap a photo with your cellphone for posterity. Your pens are now safe, the thief is humiliated, and you've got a great little trophy for your living room wall. It may be valuable artwork one day!
Four words - bank heist dye packets.
Yes, embrace your inner evil genius. I can sense you grinning and rubbing your hands together with glee! With the aplomb of both the smoke bomb or air horn, and none of the noisy side effects, the dye packet may be your best bet to stopping the pen pirate in their tracks. Imagine the walk of shame your coworker will be subjected to as they try to leave the building.
I think that idea deserves an ice cream reward.
Now that I've taken a step back to think about my future ice cream treats, I'm questioning the ease with which you'll be able to purchase exploding dye packs. I'm almost positive there are government agencies tracking that sort of Google search, which I just completed in order to aid and abet you with your dilemma.
I may lose my internet privileges for a week when Daddybeast catches wind of this!
I think your safest bet it to get a lock on your desk drawer. If that isn't possible, I recommend you carry your pens and sticky notes in a handy pouch that slips home with you each night. Just pretend you're back in school and you are in possession of the coveted gel pens with glitter. My Mommybeast always guards those with her life when someone walks into her home office in search of a writing tool. I've even been interrogated when one goes missing and I have no thumbs with which to use her precious pens!
I do, however, have an evil alter ego that enjoys hiding them when she doesn't give me enough belly rubs.
Lola
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