7 Skills for Coping with Loss

Don't Lose Hope

Aug 12

"There are losses that rearrange the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything. Grief that tears everything down. Pain that transports you to an entirely different universe, even while everyone else thinks nothing has changed." - Megan Devine

Steven Hayes, the founder of ACT (Action and Commitment Therapy) has outlined 7 skills for coping with loss. Skills that, ultimately, enable you to thrive, despite experiencing heartache and pain. This is based on the findings of 1,000+ studies, which were conducted over 35 years. They include:

1. Acknowledge that the loss has occurred, and that it has seriously affected your life.

2. Embrace all the emotions that the loss creates in you. This means feeling the feelings instead of trying to push them down, or trying to control them, or attempting to self-medicate with something like food, alcohol, busyness or work.

3. Accept all your thoughts, feelings and reaction. Even the "bad" ones, and the ones you are ashamed of. The unexpected, and inappropriate, ones.

4. Expect to have times when you feel overwhelmed, and you feel you can't go on, and you cannot cope with life.

5. Be alert to judgmental, unempathic self-talk where you ask, and expect, too much of yourself. This is seen in comments like: "I should be over this by now."

6. Let the pain and the trauma connect you to what matters, to the things that give meaning to your life. The things that you truly care the most about. These are your values – things you shouldn't turn your back on. For example, the trauma of betrayal can be a powerful sign that you highly value love, and being truthful and trustworthy.

7. Recommit to your values in an active conscious way. The key important question to ask yourself here is: "How can I take the fallout and the pain and transform into something that reflects my values?" An example of someone who did this well is the writer Maya Angelou. As a child she was raped, abused, and repeated discriminated against on the basis of race. She took those experiences and turned them into powerful stories (stories such as "Why does the caged bird sing"). This had a tremendous affect on others who saw their own sorrow and longings in her works – and who were strengthened and inspired by her work. In this way we become wounded healers who help others.

It should be noted that the last two skills on this list that are the most transforming, and freeing in the end. However, we need to work through the other five first in order to be healed to live these last two out.

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