... Because I couldn't withstand a serious relationship!
I was shitty as fuck. Deregulated as fuck. Talking as fuck. And finally stupid as fuck. I didn't have a life!
How many times have you believe how wonderful you are when in reality you're just a useless prick?
We believe we're something when actually we're nothing! Nothing! But no! We tell ourselves wonderful things. Things we actually want to hear. Not what we should hear. We love pampering. Yeah! Pampering ourself. Instead of saying, "What the fuck? I am amount to nothing!" we say, "Correct! This is who I am." when in reality, who we claim we are is just another form of uselessness.
I didn't understand myself. Or let say, I didn't understand my flaw.
I. Was. Stupid. That's all.
I lost so many opportunities I couldn't even count.
I wasted so much time on what didn't matter. So much effort on useless shit. Instead of improving myself, I thought I was okay. I thought nothing is wrong with me. I thought I am the best. But 'woe' is me. I am just a useless prick.
I drive (almost) all the good relationship I have out of me due to my useless-good-sucking mentality of believing I can't change because I think I am normal just the way I am. That those who can't relate with me are the useless bastards. Well... I am the bastard - not them! I am the one behaving like shit.
Maybe I should tell you? You need change.
No! Not unbearable change. I mean physical change. Mental change. And probably habits change. To be honest, some things are not just okay.
So instead of continue lying to myself, I chose change. I chose to cherish every opportunity. Telling myself I could be better. Yeah! I can still achieve more. No! Not money all any superficial grand things. I mean emotionally - I can still be great. Instead of repelling people, driving them away, I want to be able to accept them.
Because not accepting them mean not accepting myself. You know why? Because I am shitty.
But now, I have chosen a different route. I want to be able to say, "Yeah! I know I am not the best. But at least I could change. Yeah! I mean I could be better!" that's it. I don't want to be in this mess again. I want to be emotionally better.
And what make you write this post? If you may ask - well,... I realize I was living like shit. And I don't want to continue living this way. I want to know how to do better in relationship. Instead of saying, "I am okay," I want to say the truth: "I am shitty in relationship!"
And if you're going to spare me, right now, am starting to call all my love ones back. Because as from now, there's no such thing as an asshole again (in my life). I don't know about yours.
Yeah! Fuck you for thinking 'badass' never do that. You're arrogant. That's all.
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