Normal Reactions to Experiencing Betrayal

Don't Lose Hope

Jul 30

"Insanity is everyone expecting you not to fall apart when you find out everything you believed in was a lie." - Shannon L. Alder

The following are normal responses to betrayal:

1. Acting like a detective: You need to know the truth when you've been lied to and betrayed. So, it's not uncommon for betrayed partners to look for further evidence of cheating by doing things like looking through phone bills and old bank and credit card statement; checking browser histories; going back through their partner or spouse's emails, texts, or messages; looking to see what phone apps they have, and so on. Some even install tracking and monitoring software on their partner's digital devices.

2. Experiencing a roller coaster of emotions: You might be seething with anger and rage at one moment … desolate, despairing and hopeless the next … and then full of love for your partner again. These powerful mood swings are usually hard to predict. They occur without warning, and occur suddenly.

3. Attacking the partner: The sweetest of partners who've learned they've been betrayed, can turn overnight into a spitting, spiteful cat who hisses, lashes out and attacks their straying spouse. For example, they may scream and shout; call their partner names; completely write off and devalue everything about their partner or the relationship; tell their children, neighbours, friends, and both sides of the family all the grimy details related to the betrayal.

4. Struggling with a global sense of shame: Even although we know betrayal's not our fault – and has nothing to do with us at all – our self-esteem takes a tremendous hit. We feel unattractive, discarded sexually, a failure as a woman, and unlovable. That powerful sense of shame pervades all areas of life.

5. Globally mistrusting our partner and others: We fully trusted our partner. We never thought that they would do this. And when this trust is violated, we question everything. We don't who we can rely on. Anybody could deceive us.

6. Exhibiting Controlling behaviours: When we cannot trust our partners and our life's in disarray, when we don't what's a lie, and can't judge reality then we start to micromanage every area of life (child care, family finances, chores and schedules, leisure activities, and so on.) It's a way to feel secure, and to feel we have control.

7. Engaging in obsessive questioning: It is extremely common when you've been betrayed to want to know absolutely everything – every tiny little detail related to the cheating (exactly what happened, when, where, with whom, how often, over what time period, and so on.)

8. Engaging in escapism: We can understand why someone who's been betrayed would want to escape from the shock and the pain. Hence, sometimes the hurting partner will seek for comfort in a way that's detrimental – as a desperate way of coping (through drinking too much, experimenting with drugs, acting out sexually with others, binge-eating, over-spending, and so on).

Often these are temporary coping measures. In time, we'll start to feel more like our old selves again. But this will be a journey, and it may take many years.

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