An Interview with Maggie: My Journey through Betrayal Trauma to Healing

Don't Lose Hope

Jul 2

For the longest time I was walking in a fog. Somehow I survived. Somehow I managed to hold it together. Somehow I managed to keep up a good enough act. I did all the things I absolutely had to do, and no-one suspected what I was going through. To be honest, I don't really know how I did it. I just kept going, and I managed to hold it together.

One of the hardest things was I couldn't feel at all. I felt as if I was functioning behind a pane of glass, where nothing and no-one could touch or reach me. But I was able to recognize when people were being kind to me. And, honestly, my friends were such a lifeline at that time. Even although I had lost my sense of worth, I could sense that these were people who still thought well of me. People who seemed to genuinely like. People who just wanted to spend time with me. You've no idea how powerful that was. And looking back, it made it possible to heal.

Because, the thing is, when you're in that place you don't know what to do to heal. You really don't. You just follow your instincts, and let them take you … wherever.

But my instincts were looking out for me. They warned me about who I should avoid. Who it would be bad for me to be around. Who didn't have my best interests in mind. And they gently veered me away from those people … and they led me towards other people who were gentle, and caring, and warm, and kind. The kind of people it was safe to be around.

And my instincts also led me to articles and books and posts that were a great help to me at that time. Information that really helped me to make sense of everything I was going through. The terrible feelings and the crazy reactions. They helped to normalize the experience for me.

It's interesting, really, looking back on it all. I don't really know how our subconscious does it … but it was truly looking out for me. That drive to survive, and to live again is so incredibly powerful and wise. Even in those desperate and awful times.

And then, one day I somehow as if something had changed, and I knew I was now in a different place. A place where I was able to feel again. A place where I could think, and see straight again. But when and how that happened … I really can't explain it.

So here's what I would say to someone else who's on this road: I would say keep on walking even on the desperate days when you feel completely lost and devoid of hope - because one day the change is going to happen for you too. I can't tell you when … but I can tell you it will happen.

"Wounds don't heal the way you want them to. They heal the way they need to. It takes time for wounds to fade into scars. It takes time for the process of healing to take place. Give yourself that time. Give yourself that grace. Be gentle with your wounds. Be gentle with your heart." – Dele Olanubi

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