The blast of Charlie's horn brought Jean back to her present pain. She sat silently in Charlie's fancy truck, holding her breath, afraid to breathe, afraid to think, afraid to move. Tears began to form in the corners of her eyes and she shook herself right, no time for tears. She couldn't allow that to happen, not here, not now. Charlie's idea of support was as sharp as the knives he used to slaughter pigs. A swift cut up the middle and your insides spill out onto the ground. That is what it felt like when he finally spoke, "you shouldn't have left them alone", a sharp knife to her belly. He didn't take his eye off the road when he said it. All she heard was "alone." That truth laid the blame for Jean's misery squarely at her feet. She would have her revenge for the casual way Charlie dismissed her pain. It wasn't the first time. She knew he was right and she hated him for being so unkind in the telling. Thoughtless in the delivery.
She sat in that truck, hating him and needing him at the same time. A baby dying was her sister's story, not hers. A story told and retold in a way that kept death alive. Jean had been her sister's support during her grief and her pain was frightening. The alcohol made it impossible to comfort Mattie. Jean was not going to surrender, not to that kind of pain. The kind that destroys everything and everyone around you. She would not survive if she surrendered. Mattie surrendered and never recovered.
Fear spread from the center of Jean's chest until it settled on the right side where she stored feelings that were too big to manage.
"Breathe, Breathe", she kept repeating to herself. Mr. Tyler, her boss, was probably already taking Jean's name off next week's schedule. She was sure he saw her leave with Charlie and thought she just walked off. Oh well, she would have been fired anyway if he rubbed up against her one more time, she swore she would cut him.
She told him "Hell No" and laughed in his face. He owned this diner and he was an old, greasy little man, who used his restaurant as bait to catch young girls. He whispered to Jean once, "You a good-looking woman and you can have anything you want", and smiled that cheesy grin exposing his teeth like kernels of corn dripping with melted butter. She hated him and every man like him who used his power to manipulate and abuse women.
What was that thing Jean's grandmother used to say all the time? Jean thought about it now and smiled in spite of her pain, "I'd rather eat shit and run rabbits than be with you". She said it to Mr. Tyler once and walked away laughing. She remembered how strong she felt turning him down.
Charlie looked at her sideways, "what the hell you smiling about? You think this is funny? What the hell is wrong with you? I tell you your boy's dead and you smiling?"
She recovered herself and swore, If God didn't answer her prayer, and let it be the baby boy, she would never trust Him again. She prayed to her fears and her heart broke into so many pieces. The broken bits made it impossible for her to live beyond her pain.
Fear spread from the center of Jean's chest until it settled on the right side where she stored feelings that were too big to manage and that is how she lived, in fear and pain.
No comments:
Post a Comment