EPISODE 20 – PRIVACY IN RELATIONSHIPS

dunamisinspiration

Jul 2

Welcome to Episode 20. It's been another great season innit? In today's episode, we are looking at one controversial topic in relationships – Privacy.

What does privacy mean to you? Is it important in your relationship? Why should there even be privacy in relationships? I know many of us have big questions about privacy, but before we begin, let me tell you a short story.

Do you know that research has found that 40% of relationship break ups/divorces are caused by social media? Ok, maybe you didn't know but how important is this to our talk? I have watched many video clips where partners are told to exchange their phones for just a minute and in some instances, a minute was even enough to end the relationship. I don't know if they are acted or real, but we all know that when we hear privacy, what drops first in our minds is our phones. Should she have my password?

What is privacy? According to the dictionary, privacy is a state in which one is not observed or disturbed by other people, or it is the freedom from unauthorized intrusion. From these definitions, we know that if you ain't having some privacy in your relationship, there gotta be a problem.

We often confuse privacy, secrecy and openness in relationships. Let's look at secrets and openness.

SECRECY

Secrecy is when you intentionally keep information from your partner. It is hiding information from your partner because you don't feel good about it. Example of secrecy is when you are flirting with someone else or you are doing something you know your partner won't approve of. Secrets have a big probability to end relationships, and that is why you hide it from them.

Secrets can also be something you know your partner won't be happy with, but because you want them so badly, you hide it from them. Secrets can begin even before a relationship. Like a story I read on FB sometime ago. The man was very particular about his choice of woman. He wanted to marry a virgin, he fell in love with a woman who later got to know that chairman wanted only a virgin. When asked, she said she was one, changed the way she dressed and all just to make the guy believe her. They dated for two years and this woman never asked for it. Chairman was convinced that he had found the one. They got married and this woman was always giving excuses as to why she can't do the do. Finally, she confessed that she wasn't a virgin and she can't do it because she is afraid he will find out. The lady intentionally kept a secret because she didn't want to lose the guy.

Secrets are intentional, and when they are found out, they can ruin the whole relationship. However, there are some secrets that your partner does not need to know. Some of these may include things about your family, your workplace, etc. What secrets should he or she not know? If you have a secret and you know telling them would affect your relationship, they need to know. Eg, He's AS, I know I'm AS too, I don't want to tell him because it might be the end of us. Let him know, that's no secret to hide. But if the secret will not have any effect on your relationship, you don't have to tell him. Example, something happens at work and your salary is affected. Your money attitude might change, but it's not necessary to reveal that work info…unless it is something so serious at work that it will affect your relationship.

Some secrets are also too early to be released in relationships. If a secret won't affect a marriage, but he needs to know, you can save that for marriage.

OPENNESS

Last season we saw how openness is good for every relationship. This is what we said;

Openness means lack of secrecy, frankness. It's different from giving each other your privacy. Openness means telling it as it is, at the right time. "We want our partner to want to talk to us and feel comfortable divulging feelings, fears, and hopes. Mutual disclosure is an essential thread in the fabric of a relationship, and we all bring expectations of a certain amount of disclosure to a partnership." You can't be keeping secrets from your partner (unless he/she and a gong-gong beater are good friends). Let him or her know how you feel.

Openness looks like the opposite of secrecy. Being open means that you are not going to hide anything, including your feelings. And it also means doing that at the right time. In the example in secrecy, the lady finally opened up, but it was at the wrong time. Opening up at the wrong time does not constitute openness. If you are open, you are not forced to tell your partner about your whereabouts…and that is where privacy chips in.

PRIVACY

Privacy in a relationship is when your partner does not intrude in your personal life. Privacy is when they don't treat you like a child in the relationship by observing everything you do. Lack of privacy in a relationship is like having a tracker in your partner and a camera on him/her 24/7. You want to know where they are, who they are talking to, why they are going to where they want to go…in fact some people determine if their partners will go out or not. Ahba, you be FBI? Hoh.

And that's how serious it gets. Let's look at some ways in which you disrespect privacy in your relationship.

Wanting access to passwords

Having your partner's password in itself is not bad. I know partners who can even unlock each other's' phones with their thumbprints and faces. (Hwi3 levels dey, you just no ketch there). That's honestly not a breach of privacy, and I'm sure 90% of partners know their phone patterns or passwords. It becomes intrusion when your reason for doing that is to spy on their private chats. Ok, give me your phone, I want to go through your gallery. Because you know the password, you take the phone, open one or two pics, ask her questions so that she thinks you are actually going through her gallery, then boom…you dey WhatsApp. Before you realize, you are opening her chats with other guys to see what she discusses with them. That's a breach of privacy.

If you want their passwords because you want to know what's going on with her other friends, you are observing her life, please stop. It's her phone, it's his social media account. Even if you know the password, ask permission before accessing any other thing on the device. Remember we said privacy is unauthorized intrusion. Unless authorized, you are intruding her privacy.

2. Where are you?

Now before anything, I am an ardent believer that you communicate your movements to your partner. Like you are going somewhere and you just text him, Oh babe, I'm going to Kempinski for a meeting with Joe. That's nice, that's being open. For some people, if you don't tell them where you are going and what you are going to do, and even with whom you are going there with, it becomes an issue. Is it bad? Not really…but if it becomes a forced thing, then you are crossing the privacy line. For example, you haven't planned to go out today, you just felt like having an alone time and went out to have some fun. It's not compulsory to tell your partner. If you tell him/her, that's fine. But you also don't have to be angry because she went out in the night without telling you. You don't have to question her because she's not obliged to tell you.

Some even go to the extent of spying on their partners. Let me follow her and see where she's going or who she is going to meet. You must understand that everyone has a private life, and life does not end when one gets a boo or bae. We still have our individual lives to live. They are entitled to live their lives and feel free. Give your partner some breathing space.

3. Dictating their lives

We might not see this as a breach of privacy but it is one thing that breaks the rules of privacy. Some partners are in the habit of dictating the lives of their spouses. I mean they have a plan for their partner that if he/she doesn't follow, they won't treat them right. Some people choose where their partners should work, what they should wear, who they should talk to and a whole lot of things that strips their private life away from them.

Dictating your partner's life means you are robbing them off their own choices; you are not letting them take decisions on their own. You are disturbing their lives, and that is against privacy. Let your partner know that you both have a life to live, and appreciate that life. If you have anything about it, you can suggest to them. Let them feel that they are not being disturbed to be someone else because they are in a relationship.

4. Friends

Another very popular one about the privacy issue. Some partners determine which friends their partners can speak to and who they cannot speak to. It may sound like ahba…but it really happens. You know I don't like seeing you talk with Kojo. The next time I see you two talking together, it's over between us. In fact some partners don't allow their beloveds to hug any other person. Or they get jealous when they see their partners talking to someone else and vibing with them.

Dating does not end other relationships. You must understand that you are not the first person your partner met in life. You met her at 23 and you think for 23 years she didn't have any relationships she's built with others? C'mon…you can't control her friendship life. Some ladies will argue that yes, if I don't tell him to stop going out with those friends, they will have bad influence on him. Ok, that's true. You've seen some friends that you think won't help your partner. You don't have to be silent about it. You can speak to them about those kinda friends…but you don't go about setting spies to see if he's still going out with them. Eg, Adwoa, you live in this area, my bf comes around to see his friends. Please monitor what he does with them, check if they drink and brink other girls around. That's a breach of privacy.

5. Clinginess

Being clingy is another way we disrespect our privacy in relationships. Wanting to spend time with your partner is normal in a relationship, but that does not mean that don't give them space. According to psychologist Elizabeth Studwell, clinginess in a relationship is excessive amounts of wanting to be with your partner or control him/her. She further adds that signs of clinginess can include; incessant phone calls, unannounced visits, asking repetitive questions or needing evidences of where you go, what you do or who you speak to.

If you tested positive to any of these signs, you may be crossing the privacy line.

6. Posting on Social Media

Ok, I'm not arguing with Akwaboah, but privacy includes social media activities. Some people want to keep their relationships private, others want PDA relationships (Public Display of Affection). If your spouse insists on not posting you two together and enjoying your relationship to yourself, give her that privacy. Some even might not want you to tell all your friends that you are dating them. Well, you may never know why but you can't conclude that it's because they don't trust the relationship will go far. If it worries you, talk about it and set boundaries to that. Maybe she'll say post her once a month or once a quarter or only her birthday. Just respect her personal space.

7. Lack of respect for boundaries

To me, this is the summary of all. Though I have stated that these things are signs of privacy, I say it all comes down to your boundaries. Assuming you both decide to share passwords and you both have decided that you can go through each other's' phones any time. In this case, that is a boundary and that boundary becomes the privacy line. So if I am going through her phone even when she's asleep, well it's not a breach of privacy.

Privacy should be discussed by couples at the early stage of the relationship. How open do you want us to be? Do you want me to communicate my whereabouts all the time? What is ok not to communicate? Set boundaries that you both have agreed to. We are all different and we all have different expectations when we enter relationships. If we don't talk about this, we might find out that he's intruding our privacy, whereas he also feels he's doing what a bf should be doing.

The ultimate breach of privacy is disrespecting boundaries you have both set. Boundaries are like the space we give each other in a relationship. If you want to breach that boundary, you are essentially closing that space…that privacy. Respect your boundaries!

FINAL COMMENTS

I don't know what you think about privacy but I think that when you are intruding in your partner's lack it's one or two things; you are either insecure or you don't trust your partner. If I have no suspicions she's cheating, why would I even want to go through her phone or monitor her ins and outs? Mostly, before you even think about going through her phone, you already have a name or number in mind. If I just want to go through her phone and I get it, whose chat am I even going to search for? That means that when there's lack of trust, that's when you want to cross the line.

In that case, are you allowed to go cross the privacy line? Remember that most people find out their partners are cheating only by breaching privacy…because of course if he's not telling you, then it's a secret. So how can you find out a secret you need to know without breaking into their private lives? If there's no way, can you say intruding into their personal lives at that moment is justified?