A recent phone conversation with Nurse Kelly at my GP's office:
Me: The CentraCare doctor has me on prednisone and cyclobenzaprine. The ultrasound showed that I have a DVT in my calf. I got the new prescription for Eliquis. Should I stay on the prednisone and cyclobenzaprine?
Kelly: Why are you taking the cyclobenzaprine?
Me: For cramps.
Kelly: Cramps?
Me: Cramps in my LEG...I'm post-menopausal.
My recent diagnosis has meant spending long stretches listening to canned music on doctors' phone systems. Advent Health uses a recording of a Mozart chamber piece on all their "please hold" torture devices. "Da DEE, da Dee, da dee dee dee dee dee...Da DEE, da dee, da dee dum dee dee dee...dum dum, da dee dee dum dum, da dee dee dee dum dum, da dee dee, twitter twitter dum, twitter twitter, dum, etc." After 5 or 10 minutes, I long for ACDC's lead singer to interrupt with, "I'm back in black, back in black!"
I've also learned that a slightly chippy tone in my text messages draws a quicker response. 48 hours went by without an answer to some pertinent questions. So yesterday, I asked the questions again, pointed out the time lapse since my first text, and inquired whether it would be better to call them directly. I got a call back forty minutes later.
I got another call this morning. The nurse told me that the doctor had changed my blood thinner prescription as requested. The standard treatment for DVTs is an anticoagulant prescription lasting 6 months. My insurance requires me to pay $400/month for Eliquis. The replacement drug will cost half.
The nurse carefully told me at the end of the call that I should avoid taking the new drug along with the old. I said, "I'm going to finish the Eliquis before I start the Xarelto." She said, "Good, just make sure you don't start the Xarelto on the same day you take Eliquis." I said, "I believe I could have figured that out." She said in a tone I'd reserve for my three-year-old granddaughter, "Well, we just want to make sure." I guess they're worried that I might scratch myself and bleed to death after downing a double dose of blood thinners.
Which leads me back to a joke I've been itching to tell them. The next time I visit, I'm going to say that I've religiously been taking my medicine, and that Judy's made me cut back on my hobby: juggling chainsaws. I'll thoughtfully add that when I do juggle, I spread plastic sheets over the furniture and carpets. No use messing up the decor.
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