Narcissism is not the reason mothers and daughters find it hard to get along. I will rephrase, that some mothers and daughters find it hard to get along. I believe it's because of the "competitive" spirit. You know the way society and or American culture pits women against each other like crabs in a barrel we are in constant competition. Not to say men are not expected to compete against each other. I am talking about women only because that's my lens. Forgive me, I'm not trying to be all binary, but for the purpose of this conversation, it will have to do.
We learn early that someone has to be the pretty one, then it stands to reason, that someone gets the ugly spot. We spend our lives in competition for the top spot. Driven by ego and pride meaning "the bitch must die". This bitch could be any woman you feel is getting more attention. Primal survival of the fittest. This kind of scenario plays out with women who are insecure, have low self-esteem, or who downright are not feeling especially great about themselves.
Competitive conditioning starts early; seriously 'Baby Pageants 0-18 years old? Not everyone is down with babies parading around in full-grown woman attire. Sexualized little girls compete for what grown-ups believe to be beautiful. Full clown makeup and lots of sparkles. Fake teeth, fake eyelashes, fake hair, and the winner is.......?
The next time a woman tells me she has an estranged relationship with her mother. Or labels her mother a narcissist and hasn't seen her in years because she just can't expend the energy to engage, I'm going to call bull shit. You don't see your mother because you have not learned how to be a responsible adult. A responsible adult, takes responsibility for their anger, resentment, frustrations, and the like to get to the bottom of why the relationship is estranged or the current buzzword "toxic".
Let's dig a little deeper. I would guess that something happened, either as a child or recently. I would guess it happened while you were a child, those early hurts twist us all up inside. Anyway, something happened that you are holding onto, and you are not talking about it because you think it will make your mother upset. You love your mother and you want to protect her. Bull shit, you want to protect yourself. You do not have the emotional bandwidth to engage in a healing conversation. And why not, because you like the emotional and or physical distance.
Attributes of a narcissist are emotional distance. Who's mommy's little girl? Sorry, couldn't help the sarcasm. I am not my mother! I beg to differ. We have mother-daughter conflict because we are our mothers and we are too scared and angry to admit it. Good work grasshopper, denial is also a narcissist tool.
When you call your mother, are moved by guilt and shame to call her? You'd rather not engage but you have to keep up appearances and be able to say when someone asks, "I talked to her last week". When you do call her, you brace yourself for conflict or judgments or whatever negative way you see her responding to you. All the while looking at your mother through the child's eyes and believing she will never change. Guess who also hasn't changed, ding ding ding!!! You win a brand new car and it has no gas tank because honestly, you aren't moving anywhere anyway. Can you say STUCK?
Can't bother to expend the emotional energy to have a better relationship with your mother? Well, look around your life, where else are you being emotionally lazy. When you submit to fear, what other submissive positions do you assume in your day-to-day life. Yes, it is all connected. And you thought by not engaging with your mother, you'd avoid other toxic encounters. Have you noticed that when you try to avoid something important to your emotional growth, the Universe brings the same kinds of people into your life until you address the root?
Trauma is a jealous host, with no intentions of giving up. Are you in competition with your mother? Have you dismissed her and her life as irrelevant to your life? She could not possibly understand? She is too fragile to hear the truth about.......? I can ride out this toxic relationship until she dies. I only see her two times a year, sometimes less because I'm so busy at my job, with my family, traveling.......
Mothers are challenging and daughters are equally challenging. Mother-daughter relationships will continue to be toxic until we begin to speak the truth with the courage to hear the response and create a plan moving forward that makes room for love and compassion.
Let's stop faking it and do the real work of healing.
Begin by working on your honest communication!!!
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