Preaching to the Plants

fritzdenis

Jun 4

A monk name Bob watched St. Francis preach to the animals. He grew jealous as a deer, a bird, and a squirrel bowed before the saint. Bob wanted to glow with Francis's divine spirit, to bring all creation into harmony with God.

Bob practiced preaching to animals. A grasshopper spit tobacco juice on his finger as soon as Bob quoted scripture. A worm squirmed on his palm and remained inattentive. A snake hissed and bit Bob just as he reached the climax of his sermon.

Bob decided to redirect his efforts. He began to proclaim God's word before the monastery's kitchen garden. He didn't notice any effect at first but eventually saw that the green bean plants and carrot sprouts bowed slightly toward him if he raised a cross between two hands held in prayer. Potato sprouts, kale, and radish plants finally began to join the circle of faith. The faithful bows grew more pronounced as Bob gained in spiritual power. But one plant, self-satisfied in its convictions, refused to heed Bob's exhortations.

One day, Bob decided to show his fellow monk's his accomplishment. But he worried that the one hold- out would diminish his glory. In the end, after a sleepless night upon his knees before the crucifix in his cell, he became convinced that the freethinking vegetable would convert in the presence of his gathered brother monks.

The garden prayer service began with a performance of the top three hits on the Gregorian Chant Charts (anno domini 1222). Then Bob read two psalms and some intimidating passages from the Book of James. He called for a moment of quiet contemplation. Bob's fellow monks glanced amongst themselves in amusement as Bob took a deep breath and began to preach. They assumed that Bob's claims had been nothing more than egotistic boasting.

But then the carrots, radishes, potatoes, green beans, and kale bowed low after Bob grasped his cross between two hands held in prayer. The monks gasped in astonishment. Bob decided to go for broke. He glared at the one hold-out in the patch and commanded, "Lettuce, pray!"

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