It had been in losing my husband and the connections to his family that I realized that I had lost the most important person there was…well before I even met my husband. That person was ME—the authentic me. The one who knew that her pure essence was that of love. The one who knew that she was loveable and deserved to be loved. The one who knew that she deserved to have whatever she wanted in life that would bring her more JOY. Somewhere along the way, I had lost my way to this truth. I first became acutely aware of this in watching cancer ravage my husband's body. I discovered, or uncovered this truth, as my husband reflected on having lost his own way to this truth.
Amazingly, as my husband became sicker and bedridden, our love connection became stronger than it had ever been. Not able to make love or even hug in those days, we spent more time gazing into one another's eyes. I felt like I could see deeper into my husband's soul. The sicker he became, the more I could feel and sense his pure essence. He was only LOVE. Any imperfections I had perceived in our relationship through the years or even in his withering body melted away as I became aware of a perfectly loving presence. He was omnipresent. He was so much more than his body. My sadness in knowing that my husband would soon leave the physical plane was matched by my awe at "seeing" who he truly was--reminding me that I, too, am much more than my body. That, I, too, am only LOVE.
This greater awareness has gifted me with a new lens, a high-powered lens, that has been able to peer deeper into the depths of my soul, and to seek out those parts of me that are craving to be healed and consoled, without any distractions…and with the new attraction being ME!
My husband's love, illness, and legacy have provided me with the rocket fuel to propel myself forward despite the grief of his loss. My husband loved me enough to leave me. The pain of his loss has allowed to me to exponentially evolve. Going within to find myself and fall in love with myself again have opened me up to greater possibilities. The love that my late husband and I shared and continue to share are what have prepared me to experience another love that could supersede the feeling of magic I felt with my late husband. After all, as I love myself more, I am able to love others at a deeper and more authentic level.
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