Finding the Right Kind of Counsellor to Help you Cope with Betrayal Trauma

Don't Lose Hope

Jun 4

"A partner affected by intimate betrayal experiences a level of pain that is indescribable. The hurt is so profound and complex, partners often wonder if it will ever get better." - Shira Olsen

You're likely in crisis if you've learned that your spouse is addicted to sex or pornography. It's not the kind of news you expect to hear!

And you know that you need help … but you don't know where to turn. You want to find a counsellor … but who will understand?

When you're in a state of shock you need a crisis counsellor who knows what it is like to be completely traumatized; not someone who will offer you generic counselling.

The Kind of Counsellor to Avoid at this Time

In the initial weeks and months, you should avoid a counsellor:

- Who wants to look at how you might have contributed to, or played a role in, your partner's addiction (It has nothing to do with you at all. It's your partner's issue, not yours.)

- Who wants to examine your childhood traumas, or explore your personal family history (This is not relevant at the moment.)

- Who believes your mood swings, times of craziness, and extreme distress are indicative of you being codependent, or having bipolar disorder, or having borderline personality (The extreme distress reactions you're displaying at this time are normal in a person who is dealing with a trauma.)

The Kind of Counsellor who will Help You at this Time

The kind of counsellor who will properly support you is someone:

- Who understands PTSD.

- Who understands that a sex or pornography addiction is an attachment, or intimacy, disorder.

- Who repeatedly assures you that you're not going crazy, and who knows you've been blind-sided, and are in a state of crisis.

- Who repeatedly affirms how committed, loving, faithful and caring a spouse or partner you have been.

- Who validates your feelings and emotions at this time (For example, someone who will tell you that it's healthy to feel angry, desperate, anxious, frightened, mistrusting and confused.)

- Who helps you to listen to, and trust, your gut reactions (Such as the desire to protect yourself from further harm; the desire to act like a detective, and to uncover the whole truth; an unwillingness to listen, and to believe what you're being told … and so on.)

- Who understands the nature, and the power, of triggers.

- Who can help you to find strategies to cope with high emotions (and someone who will help you to keep yourself safe.)

- Who helps you to set boundaries with your partner or spouse.

- Who helps you to effectively structure your day (so you can cope by doing the next thing … and the next thing.)

- Who insists that you make time for, and practice, self care.

- Who helps you to keep going, and to find hope again.

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