Dealing With Bullies

Rosa Castro Psy.D

Jun 6

Many of us have dealt with bullies to some degree or another. Some of us overcame the childhood episodes of being bullied once we got the courage or support to handle the abuse. However, many continue to face being tormented even as adults.

The key to coping and dealing with a bully is understanding the dynamics behind the behavior patterns. In learning what contributes to the behavior, we can find the courage to confront the situation and develop healthy coping tactics. For starters, let's dissect the nature of bullies to create a game plan for coping:

Many bullies have been victims of being bullied. Sadly, their abusers are usually in the home, so it becomes shameful or challenging to share with anyone
Bullies who have a history of abuse become empowered by making someone else feel weaker than they do
Bullies struggle with low self-esteem and use poking fun as a tool to make themselves feel better
Many bullies are jealous because they proceed others as having an easier life, so they attempt to break a person down to reduce their envy
Bullying serves as a distraction that allows a bully to feel powerful and less vulnerable
Bullies enjoy the attention they get from people who support or endorse their behaviors
Bullying others is a mask to cover up shame and self-loathing
Many bullies struggle with mood disorders and often have poor impulse control

The main reason a bully is successful at making our lives miserable is that we believe they are right on some level. Bullies select their targets based on specific attributes they view as easy and vulnerable. Many look for "victim" qualities and often avoid individuals they know have firm boundaries.

Here are several qualities that make us vulnerable to bullying:

Lacking personal boundaries
Not knowing how to speak up when mistreated
Being a people-pleaser
Passively accepting whatever someone trashes you
Not saying anything when someone says something offensive
Believing we have no say or right to stand up
Accepting bad treatment by making excuses for the person
Reacting with fear, makes them feel even more powerful
Allowing a bully to use their anger to get their way
Avoid confrontation, even when the person is being aggressive.
We tend to assume that the only way to handle a bully is by fighting

Every incident is different, and there is no one way of handling a bully.

How to cope

Document and Report incident
Set your boundaries and hard limits
Do not allow a person to yell at you. If they do so, walk away and do not engage.
If a person refuses to back up, excuse yourself and call the cops
Say no, when you want to say no, and stop agreeing just to avoid problems
When possible, react with calmness and direct eye contact
Avoid threatening anyone, especially if you cannot defend yourself
Do not let them get away with the incident. Let someone know what they did.
Break the friendship or relationship if they refuse to respect you
If they are embarrassing you in public, stay calm and let them carry on since most folks get filmed these days.
If your bully is your boss, report to Human Resource Department.
If the bully is your child's classmate, report it to the principal, and if they don't do anything, take them to court
Learn to believe in your worth and stop taking the bully's comments as facts.

One primary coping tactic involves improving our self-empowerment. The reason bullies can impact us with their bullying has a lot to do with our self-esteem. The more we believe they are correct, the more they can push our buttons.

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