SUICIDAL THOUGHTS; EPISODE THREE – LOSING MYSELF

JORDANA ATIM

May 22

In the midst of all the chaos, I was found myself struggling to stay composed. Unsure of what was bothering me, all I knew was, my body and soul were worn out. Did I have suicidal thoughts? I do not know. Did I imagine myself at the highest point, picturing what it felt like being away. In a quiet place, with no phone calls, surrounded with stillness, was all I wanted.

I remember getting startled at every phone call, I decided to switch off my phone for a while. Being online suffocated me, but I would still make a post. My concluded contract left me unemployed. Home was my safe haven; it gave me peace. My parents must have noticed something was not right. They kept a close eye on me. My room was my cage.

I hated town, every time someone met me, they asked either why I had lost so much weight or how work was. Funny of them to assume everyone was working. My online brothers and sisters were busy being judges. "Furaha, you are not applying!" "Are you checking the job adverts?"

It got to my head. I hated everything. I just wanted to be away from everyone and everything.

Then I noticed something, not everyone will understand what you are going through. I am still personally trying to figure out what I went through. Talk to someone you feel you are comfortable talking to. It gets better with time. I believe someone out there is capable of listening, not everyone though.

Anyway, there is more to this topic, but I will keep fighting, and keep seeking help no matter what.

Esther Furaha, an unpublished writer, and sole proprietor of Dress and Flaunt Uganda, wrote this article. She is very enthusiastic about cooking, fashion and writing.

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