daily scribble entry #75
I know another reason my holidays used to always feel a ton more exhausting, less "enjoyable" than school days:
I used to be much less present during holidays than on school days simply because, when I was "free", I spent too much time thinking, "Have I been productive?" or "Was it really the most enjoyable thing I could've done?"—
—which never came across my mind on school days because (due to already packed schedules and stuff, it felt like) "I had no control anyway, so why bother overanalysing my situation if all I can do is simply go with the flow?" ...
... which actually gave me the opportunity to be much more present (and to actually enjoy the moment, rather than fantasizing on how to achieve joy).
It took me eternity to finally realise that ...
... no, it wasn't "freedom to do whatever I want" that I was yearning for;
it is to simply embrace (and enjoy) whatever is happening to me—which, it turns out, most easily comes from restrictions or lack of options! And ...
... lack of "freedom" (as I used to know it), even.
* * *
I was never lacking freedom—I had too much of it.
What I truly needed was liberation, from freedom;
to be freed, from the unwise sense of freedom.
#75: Freed from freedom
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