larryhappiday3 posted: " Examining the chain societal disappointments that cost lives through spousal violence Osinachi Nwachukwu gave the world her soul and song. She also gave the world children and her church a reputation. She gave her best but, it seems her best was not g"
Examining the chain societal disappointments that cost lives through spousal violence
Osinachi Nwachukwu gave the world her soul and song. She also gave the world children and her church a reputation. She gave her best but, it seems her best was not good enough for her controlling husband. Peter, who was supposed to be her "rock" became her greatest undoing and being married to him became hell and now, death.
Late Osinachi Nwachuku: failed by her Church, family and friends
In dying, Osinachi didn't die alone. For one, her colleague, Frank Edwards belched out his impotence over her death: "so this unreasonable person" he moaned, "eventually killed her". In that comment he betrayed his connivance. He knew she was at risk but did nothing significant to help her. Frank Edwards is not the only one traumatized. I'm too.
For two days after hearing of the death of the Gospel singer, I was unable to sleep. Nigeria gives me a steady supply of worries but I didn't know that the death of a stranger, allegedly, by the hands of her husband could reach so far away to me.
Peter, who was supposed to be her "rock" became her greatest undoing and being married to him became hell and now, death.
Let's get it clear: I have never met Osinachi. She wasn't anything special to me as I was even struggling to put a face to her name when my wife first mentioned the death. It's there fore not a case of this being a personal grief. However, as distant as her case is, it made me sleepless for a night. The thought of all those who failed her and refused to save her could not leave me. I was bitter at Frank Edwards. I was bitter at the Aunty that he mentioned. I was bitter at her pastor. I was bitter that her family knew and kept mum.
What Could Frank Edwards Have Done?
I take his comments as a sign that he was a friend of that family. Friendship is not about good times only. It's also about bad times. Friendship is also about bad times and trying times. Coming out to mourn her demise is good enough but where is the friendship when you do not show up when the trying times are on
I have read stories about how she kept pleading with those close to her to spare themselves the trouble of intervening. This may the result of the Stockholm Syndrome. My question is: if some one is on the path of suicide what should be the right reaction? For one, she was clearly under the illusion that her oppressive husband was inviolable and omnipotent. That siege needed to be broken. They didn't. So they lie culpable: guilty of colluding with a potential killer until he had his way.
What Could The Church Have Done?
The Church is not as innocent as the Pastor has posited. Osinachi is dead so there's no way to corroborate the official line presented by the pastor. He claimed not have had an idea that one of his lead singers was going through hell. That's possible. But the church is not the pastor alone. Pastors come and pastors go, the Church remains.
Therefore if we remove the pastor who was sidestepped in this whole saga, is there no other person on the House of God who could have whispered to the Pastor? Let all those who knew and kept the secret now celebrate. They have sent her to her grave before the time. Do they have peace now?
To have Known that a sister was going through hell and kept mum isn't Christianity. It is witchcraft. Where's the brotherly love? Welfare Systems in churches need to wake up. Their brief should go beyond monetary welfarism to include mental welfare too. For the mental burden that Osinachi bore alone was bound to snap and now it has.
What Could the Family Have Done?
I believe that the family bears the largest share of the guilt. Marriage is not by force. A living dog is better than a dead lion. Let me give you an example of how I handled an in-law who had been beating my sister for years without her telling anyone.
About five years ago, I saw her with a swollen face and red shot eyes. When I inquired what happened, she artfully dodged the question repeatedly. (Doesn't that sound like Osinachi?)
I persisted. I thought she was involved in an accident. She wasn't. A fight with a neighbour? No! A domestic accident? No! Then, it occurred to me that it may have been a marital spat. Yes it was!
Dealing With A Violent Spouse
1. Your marriage to anyone is not slavery. It is partnership. 2. Although you have the first right to her time, you don't have any right over her life 3. Partners don't ruin their spouses without destroying something in themselves but they may have been victims of what they give. 4. That you were abused as a child is no legal tender to distribute violence in return. 5. A family filled with violence harms the children as well as it hurts the spouses involved. Therefore violence in a home is a disease that hurts society in the long run. 6. A violent person in marriage will remain so until they are confronted. Although this is a tricky event, it is a necessary end. Without confronting violence, you will merely postpone the evil day.
Everyone is not as unreasonable as those who failed to intervene when they knew a life was in danger.
These were my views of the reality staring me stark in the face as I looked at my beloved sister.
I was as troubled that night as I was in the case of Osinachi Nwachuku. I came up with a plan.
Their public hollering, in my view, is a case of crying over spilled milk. They could have done better.
1. The larger family of the offending spouse had to be drawn into the picture. 2. That had to be the last time since he had always done the beating in the past. There's no second chances when life is involved 3. I sought the help of God not to over react but, certainly, not to under-react. 4. The Bible approach is helpful here. Matthew 18:15: "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over". I adopted an elevated form of this. 5. In approaching this delicate case I told his family head that this was a direct assault on my family. I reminded him that the matter between his brother and my sister was not a case of infidelity, nor of stealing nor anything special that was not common to all marriages. So I didn't present a facade of righteousness but a willingness to blame my sister if she had crossed the lines of decency. Since it wasn't any of those, I made it clear that her husband had no licence issued by my family to kill our daughter. 6. Be definite about your reaction. I didn't leave the matter just hanging. I threatened that there would be no coming back to his family to repeat this appeal. We were going to meet force with force. There was no comprising the life of my sister and her children. 7. Finally, I warned that if the marriage had become so intolerable that beating is the only elixir, he should do the noble thing divorce her.
Five (5) years on, he has not tried to lift a finger against her again. This to my mind, is the debt her family owed her which they failed to discharge. Why would a family be so impotent that they could not approach his church or the police or the other person's family?
Everyone is not as unreasonable as those who failed to intervene when they knew a life was in danger. Their public hollering, in my view, is a case of crying over spilled milk. They could have done better. Now, there's a broken home, children deprived of motherly care and a foolish husband deprived of one who truly loved him.
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