"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." - Margaret Thatcher

Relapse is common when we're fighting an addiction. It's something many deal with on their journey to success. And relapsing is a process that's predictable and patterned; and recognizing this can help us read the warning signs. That is, we often make decisions which can seem inconsequential … and yet they slowly move us towards a full relapse.

"Think of the relapse chain as a chain of decisions – made over a period of days, weeks, months, or even years- that together add up to a backsliding in one's recovery. This makes it hard to say exactly where any one relapse begins.[1]"

So what are the steps that often lead to relapse? The following links make up the relapse chain:

  1. The recovering individual experiences a build-up of stress (related, for example, to problems at work, relationship difficulties, illness or death in the family, parenting challenges, financial difficulties, legal concerns, the resurfacing of painful memories and trauma from the past, and so on.)
  2. This causes the individual to experience intense, negative and distressing emotions.

Note: This is because the build-up of stress also triggers painful core beliefs; beliefs like: "no-one will ever truly want or love me"; "no-one is there for me"; "I'm inadequate"; "I'm a failure"; "Nothing ever works out for me"; "I deserve to be rejected"; "I am going to end up abandoned and alone."

  • When this occurs, the person immediately attempts to suppress the painful feelings (which means that they're now living in a state of denial.) That is, instead of openly admitting their pain and distress, the person stuffs or buries these problematic feelings.

Note: Often the decision to deny and bury our pain is tied in to the faulty core belief that "others won't like, accept, love, or approve of me if I admit to having negative emotions."

  • However, burying their feelings doesn't make them disappear; for all it does is push them down and hide them for a while. That is, the subconscious mind is still aware that they are there, and this leads to strong cravings as the pain and hurt is real.
  • The person starts to withdraw, and isolate themselves from others - for it's too hard to act as if they're "normal and OK." Instead, they feel that they can't cope with all the issues they are facing, and wear a mask that looks as if they're happy and carefree. Hence, this deepens the deception, and it makes them feel alone.
  • Although the goal has been to block out and destroy their painful feelings, the net result is actually the opposite of this. That is, instead of quietening their emotions, they find that they've grown stronger. Thus, it's understandable how this could lead to a relapse.
  • A complicating factor here is when they're battling feelings - they aren't paying attention to their real needs and concerns. (That is, the stresses they'd experienced in 1 above.) Hence, the problems are still there; the situation may have worsened; and now the person's desperate but feels they can't escape.
  • This knowledge leads to hopelessness and feeling trapped and powerless; but their old friend – their addiction – can promise some relief. They know that it's effective and will bring them needed solace, and be a source of comfort when battling despair.
  • Because they have withdrawn from those who could help and support them, they find they're now alone when they are fighting this strong urge. That is, there's no-one there to tell them they are strong, and can resist this. There's no-one to walk with them, to offer them their strength.

Note: This is one of the reasons why having a mentor, counsellor or belonging to a group like AA is so important for recovering addicts. 

  1. The addict then relapses – and experiences relief; but then the tables turn and they feel terrible again. They wish they hadn't fallen; they are filled with deep regret; and now they're battling feelings of guilt, shame and remorse.

Some thoughts on preventing a relapse

"One of the best ways to identify high-risk situations and prepare for them in advance is to imagine likely relapse scenarios. If you were to relapse, in what kinds of situations might your relapse occur? Describe how the situation might arise, where you would be, what you'd be doing, and what kind of feelings you'd be having. If you have difficulty even imagining it, review episodes from the past, when you were on the wagon and fell off, noting what high-risk factors were operating at the time.

Once you've identified high-risk situations, go over the options that would be available to you today to minimize the danger. What is your action plan? Basic elements of it should be to leave the high-risk situation, talk with someone from your support team, and identify ways to lower your vulnerability immediately (eat, sleep, relax, exercise, go to a recovery meeting, meet with a friend). Role-playing these high-risk situations can be extremely helpful too.[2]"

[1] Washton, A.M., & Boundy, D. (2013). Willpower is not enough: Understanding and overcoming addiction and compulsion. New York, NY: William Morrow Paperbacks.

[2] Washton, A.M., & Boundy, D. (2013). Willpower is not enough: Understanding and overcoming addiction and compulsion. New York, NY: William Morrow Paperbacks.