In our 3 year relationship, Seth and I have moved together 6 times total. Can you even fathom? 6 times including the 2 times we have lived in weird "transition" places like at Abbie's house (where he was living when we met) and his parent's house where we lived while looking for a rental in Utah.

We have lived in 4 different states together.

What started as meeting in Portland and deciding to move to Utah together for my career, has now ballooned into moving 6 times and living in 4 different states.

It feels chaotic. It feels bizarre and it feels strange to tell the truth.

I went from living 27 years of my life in one state, in one place, basically in one city - different towns I guess...but the farthest I ever moved from my hometown was 30 minutes away to a different town. I went from that sort of mild stability - to this craziness.

The stress has definitely started to have an effect on our relationship - at least for me. It has started to make it feel unsafe I think. I want stability - no, I actually NEED stability because of my mental health issues. It feels scary to think that we just can't find the right fit...the right place to live together. It feels scary to think, maybe we just won't? What do we do then? Why can't we find happiness anywhere?

I know that happiness comes from within. I do know that. I think I could probably settle down and find my happiness anywhere. It's just a bit harder doing it with another person, because it's not just about what makes you happy...the other person has to agree, and be happy too. I felt like I was happy enough in Utah - but Seth wasn't. His unhappiness made me unhappy. Utah did have its downsides for sure. But all this upheaval feels like a lot of stress and it's hard to justify at times.

Our failed move to North Carolina but even more strain on us. It feels as though...since we left Utah it's been kind of a tailspin. Maybe that's an exaggeration. But it definitely feels like the stress has barely let up since we decided to pack up and leave Utah. We were not happier in North Carolina. We had to uproot again.

Now in New York it feels good, but we're so stressed trying to find yet another place to live. It's really making our relationship not enjoyable. I'm getting so annoyed with Seth every day for stupid things.

The other day he suggested that I not walk directly in the mud outside because "you'll get mud in the truck" and my heart just sank. I was wearing my fun yellow rain boots - which I specifically bought so I could tromp in the mud and wet. It's FUN. I felt like he was just being such a dad, squashing my fun - throwing a wet blanket over my flames. It's also not like we have a brand new fancy truck (which by the way, even if we did...I would totally be purchasing a mud thingy you can place inside to protect it). The truck is so old the windows are not even power windows. It is absolutely trashed to be honest. Grime and little pieces of detritus everywhere. A bit of mud would seriously not matter in my opinion.

I cried. I let him know very clearly that I was pissed off and annoyed. That I hate when he squashed my fun, or tries to control what I do. I'm not going to live my life under the thumb of someone, I refuse. I've worked too hard for that.

There have been other annoying things.

Yesterday we went to the library to check it out and he wanted to check out the microfilm. It felt like he was just not asking the guy at the desk for what he wanted...like he was waiting for ME to ask or something. It was so awkward. I had to awkwardly try to explain to the guy what we wanted - even though it was Seth who should have been speaking up and making the request. The guy even somewhat laughed at my fumbling to explain and Seth looked at me and it was just like, "Oh my fucking god...I don't even know why I am the one asking for this, YOU wanted to see it??????"

Then today. I got out things to make breakfast, bacon and eggs and I got out some oil. Of course in my head I was thinking, "Well maybe the bacon will produce enough fat and I won't need the oil" but...I got it out just in case. Seth is in the room, watching over the shoulder everything I am doing it feels like and says, "You know, if you cook the bacon first, you won't need the oil for the eggs." Then he commented that I shouldn't have the heat on the stove so high because it's a teflon pan.

I swear he just mansplains so fucking often...as if I don't know these things????? It gets really tiring and really irritating. I'm a smart woman. I know things. He tells me the most obvious shit as if I don't know and I just don't know how to deal with it. It's hard to know what to do because I just feel so annoyed. I guess I could just say, "I know" and smile, and not take it as a personal insult.

I know everyone has their quirks. I have anxiety and attachment issues. I have intense jealousy issues. I have abandonment issues. I have emotional dysregulation issues. I have a ton of issues!!!! So shouldn't I be understanding and accepting of issues that he might have? He has anxiety, he has a tendency to get a little bit controlling when it comes to things especially when it involves health and safety. He's like that annoying person at work always reminding you to put on your safety goggles and put in the earplugs. He means well, it just can feel stifling and patronizing at times and that feels annoying.

We're also stuck in this tiny airbnb - both working from home - which usually isn't an issue but especially during this stressful time...I desperately am wanting alone time - to not have to hear him talking outloud. You know the stereotype of the married couple annoyed at the other person's breathing? That's me right now at times. Getting annoyed with his talking outloud and sighing and whatever else.

We had a difficult conversation earlier because my BPD was literally making me feel like, I don't know this man, I don't like him let alone love him, I just want to be ALONE because figuring this out alone might be easier. I wouldn't have to worry about where is all his shit going to go - I could go get a nice small apartment instead of us needing to get a house rental. Seth's need for a house to rent instead of an apartment means we're going to have way more space than we need - on top of all the houses we have seen so far being god awful and shitty. Like decomposing practically. Old, not well-maintained, shitty houses. For almost $2,000 a month. I really wish we could just get a nice, modern, new apartment. If I was single, that's what I would be getting for myself. So this situation sucks. This is the one time where it feels like being in a relationship is NOT helping me or enhancing my life in any way and instead is making it harder.

Ultimately, I know that I don't want to end this relationship just because it's hard right now. Long-term relationships are going to be tough sometimes, and don't I want someone who is going to stick with me even when things are not fun and things get rough? Yeah of course I do, so shouldn't I stick around even though this sucks right now? Yes. I just need to be honest with how I am feeling. If I don't want to live in a big, falling apart house, I'm not going to. I will put my foot down until we find something I can live with. I'm not accepting a shitty house and it seems Seth will not even consider an apartment, so here we are, at an impasse. Who knows how it will end.

I get that he doesn't want to live in apartments anymore at the age of 35. OF COURSE I get that. I'm 32 and this shit is so fucking depressing. I want to have my own house too. But we are in a housing shortage right now. This is just the situation. It's a global crises, not just here. Young people in England can't get their own stand alone, detached house...there's too many people and not enough houses. It makes sense to me. Not that I like it, but I can accept what is going on and adjust. Maybe that means settling for an apartment, even if it's overpriced and small, as long as it's updated and nice.