In this post we will briefly answer a question that was asked by one of our clients

Three years ago it came to light that my husband had been acting in sexually inappropriate ways with one of the girls in the soccer team he was coaching. He's now in prison doing time. Although my daughter was on that team as well, I had no idea this was going on. How could I have missed something as huge as this when I was married to the man! The problem is I now can't trust myself to judge anyone's character. How can I learn to trust my instincts again?

First of all, I am so sorry this has happened to you. To be hit out of the blue by something as shocking and life-changing as this, is extremely hard to cope with. It is absolutely devastating.

But let me deal with your specific question related to learning to trust your instincts …

Let me begin by saying we are hard-wired to trust those we form attachment relationships with. Trusting your husband to be the person he appeared to be is absolutely normal. It is usually a good thing. It's what we all should be able to do.

My guess is there's also a good chance that, when you got married, your husband was more congruent than he turned out to be later on. Unless you had hunches that he was hiding things back then, he likely was being a genuine person. So at that time, your instincts were spot on. However, people can also change slowly over time. Hence, 10 years down the line he could easily be someone quite different from the person he used to be.

There's also a good chance that your husband didn't want anyone to know what he was thinking and doing. He probably worked extremely hard at hiding those things, and at covering his tracks. And we can deceive those who are closet to us. In fact, the majority of woman who experience betrayal had no idea this was going on ... So you are part of that majority.

Maybe ask yourself … "Were other people shocked when his behaviour was uncovered?  His parents, siblings and other family members? Your extended family? His colleagues? Your neighbours and friends? Other parents on the team?" Why was that? It was because this behaviour is diametrically opposed to the person everyone knew him to be. He was actively deceiving everyone, and he was very good at it. He had to be! It's a serious offense. You are not the only one 'who had the wool pulled over their eyes'. Many, many people are shocked - just like you.

Another question to ask yourself is "How good have you been at choosing friends, and knowing who to be wary of?" Most betrayed partners have always been very good at figuring out who will be a good friend, who is trustworthy, who is untrustworthy, and who is 'bad news'. They are excellent judges of character. Their antennae are accurate and trustworthy. Yours most likely are as well.

With respect to your question about learning to trust your intuition again …

One technique is to simply practice trusting your feelings, and the perception behind those feelings. For example, say you are working from home, and are on a zoom call. While you are trying to participate in the conference, you can hear your small children (who are home because of COVID) screaming and shouting in another room. What are your feelings? Anger and frustration that you're being disturbed, and that you might be negatively judged by your colleagues? Fear that the noise will distract your colleagues, and even derail the meeting? Anxiety around whether your kids actually need you right now, and you ought to intervene in some messy situation? Guilt because – on some level – you feel you are neglecting them, or are not being the kind of parent you should be?

Being able to pinpoint what is going on internally can help to confirm our ability to read ourselves, other people, and ambiguous situations.

Remember, it takes time for our confidence to return. But hopefully these pointers can help you with this, and will be stepping stones to developing trust in yourself again.

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