Don't Lose Hope posted: " Carolyn's husband had a brief affair, roughly 6 years after they were married. That was 5 years ago. As far as she knows, this has never happened again. However, Carolyn still struggles with issues around trust. Below, she talks about what she finds "
Carolyn's husband had a brief affair, roughly 6 years after they were married. That was 5 years ago. As far as she knows, this has never happened again. However, Carolyn still struggles with issues around trust. Below, she talks about what she finds helpful when she is struggling with these feelings.
Counsellor: One of things you've told me in our sessions is that you have trouble feeling safe in your marriage, and you sometimes have trouble fully trusting your husband. Would you say that is an accurate summary?
Carolyn: Yes. A lot the time I believe I can trust him, I really do. And I can logically work through all the evidence that tells me he is a different person today. But then I get hit by these clouds of doubt, and I start to feel scared and wobbly again. Those feelings are very powerful and destabilizing. They leave me questioning everything.
Counsellor: Everything?
Carolyn: Not quite everything. But two very important things. They leave me questioning whether I am being deceived and hoodwinked again (because he betrayed me in the past, I know he's certainly capable of it.) Of course, I know I can't knowhe'll never revert to his old ways. All I can do is look at the evidence ...and try to be as objective as possible.
The other thing I question is my ability to trust my own judgments. My feelings could be warning bells or they could be groundless fears. And sometimes I don't know how to tell the difference. Gaslighting does that to you. It makes it difficult for you to figure out reality.
Counsellor: I can see why you find this so unsettling. You're right. We can't tell the future … And what you'd like is absolutely certainty … which no-one has about anything. Also, you wrestle with whether you can read and trust your feelings and intuitions … which is understandable.
What do you do when you feel like that? What would you say has helped you the most?
Carolyn: I try to adopt a rational approach and, usually, that helps me to feel calmer, and more at peace. I start by going over all the things are different about the way my husband relates to me today. Positive things that show he thinks about me, cares about me, and that show I matter to him. Intellectually, that helps … but it isn't always enough to change my feelings. Often, I stillfeelanxious and insecure
The next thing I do is remind myself that I have a lot of roles in life. I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a neighbour, a teacher and so on. Being a wife is only part of who I am. It isn't my whole identity. It's an important part. But, still, it's just a part. If my husband cheated again, I wouldn't lose myself. I would still be the person I am today.
Counsellor: That's a very healthy way of looking at things. You are a person in your own right. Being someone's wife isn't your identity.
Carolyn: Exactly. I've also created a good social circle, and I have a lot of interest, and a job that is fulfilling. All of those help me to feel OK about myself, and remind me I have a life outside of my marriage.
Counsellor: Those are great insights, Carolyn ... You also mentioned earlier about not always feeling safe … and, maybe, struggling with feelings of anxiety? How do you handle those feelings when you have to get on with your day … and keep teaching, and interacting with kids, staff and parents? I imagine that could be quite difficult to navigate.
Carolyn: It is. Obviously, when I was in crisis I just couldn't cope with work and daily life; but I'm not in crisis right now. I handle the onslaught of anxiety – the times when I am triggered - by consciously choosing to focus on the people I am with right now, and thinking about what they need from me at this moment in time. I guess it's a form of mindfulness. I'm more practiced at it now, so I'm better at it. Also, seeing that I'm able to be there for others, and to not let my feelings rule my life, has given me a sense of being more in control.
Counsellor: That's really great. It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this, and worked very hard on it. Is there anything else you would recommend to others who are in a similar situation to you?
Carolyn: One last technique I would recommend – something else that has worked for me – is assigning myself a "worry hour" when school finishes, and I am on my own for a while. I don't just ignore or repress my anxieties. I give them the dignity and respect of listening to them and taking them seriously at some point in the day. The funny thing is, often by then I'm in a better place, emotionally. My thinking is clearer, and I have life more in proportion again.
Counsellor: That's a very interesting technique. I can see why it works so well for you.
Thanks for sharing this, Carolyn. We appreciate your willingness to be honest and, hopefully, to help other women.
"Smile, breathe, and go slowly." — Thich Nhat Hanh
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