"This is how betrayal starts … Not with big lies, but with small secrets."

Betrayal trauma is a term that describes being deceived and hurt by the person in your life who was always meant to be there for you. Usually, an intimate partner or spouse.

This changes your relationship forever with them as you now have to rewrite your whole history. Who you'd always thought they were has been shown to be a lie as they've hidden a key part of themselves from you. 

For example, perhaps you learned your spouse has been having an affair, or has been sexting other women for months, or even years. Now you know that you've been duped you – and they did it consciously. Now you know they have lied, and have led a double life.

It's completely devastating. Nothing in your life makes sense.  

What Happens in your Brain and Mind?

To deal with the shock, the brain reacts instinctively by setting off the fight/ flight /freeze response. It raises the alarm, and releases cortisol. Your brain is screaming: danger. It's protecting you from harm.

And your initial reaction, while you're in this state of shock is: You can't believe it's true. You don't want it to be true.

So perhaps you make excuses, or you start to blame yourself. You think it must be you. That you're worthless and you're flawed.

But this is absolutely wrong. It was never about you. It was always about him. It was a choice your partner made.

The Knock-On Effect Being Betrayed

But betrayal trauma has the knock-on effect of bringing to the surface other smaller, hidden things. Insignificant betrayals. The hurts that you'd ignored. All the thoughtless words and acts. All those things you had repressed.

These omission and deceptions all confirm the painful truth – when you took him at his word, and believed the things he said. He gaslighted you for years to prevent him being caught. He betrayed the trust you gave him. He abused your innocence.

Finding Hope

Yet, although you feel alone and abandoned in your pain, there are others just like you who have travelled this road too.

And they understand the grief … and they get what it is like. They have lived with tortured minds. They have wept through sleepless nights.

And they'll tell you there IS HOPE. That one day your life will change. Though it's hard to see right now - you will laugh, and live again.   

Please believe it's not the end … That the sun will rise again.

Please hold tightly to that hope.

Please believe it's true for you.     

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