Sitting here in the pub. Total daze. Is the dream I was in during last night's sleep still happening in the background? If only I drop a little more out of consciousness I can drop back into that enticing dream and meet all those characters again…

There is a mirror on the wall in front of me, above the leather corner couch. The mirror has a picture of a sheep smoking a pipe on it. I like that shit. I like pubs now. Hearing people have the banter in the background. Bitta music. It's less pretentious and less commercial than a café. Maybe I'll do this more often. Writing at the pub.

My 'friend' and I were doing that a few weeks back. We had a lot of interesting interactions. One fella came up and said my 'friend' was like a hunky jesus. Another man sat down with us to 'observe our process', but really it was more him talking about himself and his (drunkenly explained) take on literary themes. Including the emergence of anti-hero films. He also called me beautiful – so got even with Mr. hunky-jesus! Another guy came up and said he'd love to see our babies, that they'd be beautiful. A couple invited us to a sex party. Turns out taking out a pen and paper in pubs leads is quite a conversation-starter! It's also pretentious as fuck, of course !

I'm actually performing tonight – as part of a 'freakshow band'. They are playing at a cabarent show and I am going to be dressing up in a ghoulish costume and dancing around creepily during one of their songs. I like how this life thing is going now. Curveballs be getting thrown and it has me excited.

At the same time life has been intense in a way too – dreamingly intense! Between being tested at – and now being (kinda) fired from work. Then this (kinda) relationship thing. This man who has entered into my life – seemingly sent by God to trigger me in all the ways I need to be, in order to question the deeper roots of my own intentions and behaviours. Everything's been spun on it's head. Guess it's supposed to be that way. I've been landed in situations that feel semi-aligned, but with something not just quite right and being tested to the max. Tested in heart, mind and spirit. I'm learning a lot about myself. Feeling a lot of pain. Strengthening a lot. It's brilliant in a way. Refusing to crumble.

Now is a pivotal moment.

Time to completely let go of all 'relationship seeking' tendencies and completely free my spirit. It's time to leave my job – much earlier than I thought I would. It's time to dedicate myself fully to creative pursuits. To inhabit my higher purpose. To live as colourfully and ecstatically and creatively as I can (who knows what that is, maybe it's not that creative after all). So while everything is in disarray – I am feeling excited, optimistic and strong.

Acknowledging the instability of it all underneath.

But I have people. That's vital.

A good female friend.

A good male friend (though complicated entanglement).

A good sister.

A set of supportive parents.

Other friends, here and there. Seasonal and longer term.

Lots of interesting acquaintances.

A building sense of tribe.

Everywhere I go I see kindness.

Even at work – the people are salt of the earth. In the constricted places too, you can find doses of realness, humanity. Deep conversations with the lady in the desk over have been enriching. Making me appreciate that every single one of us has to deal with fucking painful situations. We are all being tested. All around you are strong warrior hearts. You don't see it all from the surface.

Went to chant and chai yesterday.

We sang songs about Kali and feminine energy. I felt I was being charged. Then a woman started to sing a softer song. It was so beautiful and it immediately had an effect on me. I started crying! I opened my eyes and looked down at the book of hymns – it said the meaining of this ( I think sanskrit) song was calling all the elements in and bringing deep healing. That's exactly what I felt. It was heart healing. Afterwards I chatted to a couple of women I know and admire. It was lovely. This thing is amazing. Part of this sense of tribe, community and self-and-world healing.

Anyway – not gonna overanalyse things. Trying to surrender to what will be.

So right now. Back to general life stuff. My head is spinning with the possibilities before me. Now is a crucial moment. Don't fuck it up by getting scared and weak and then being at the mercy's of other's intentions for you. Have the ideas and go out there with a passion and make them happen.

YOUR ENERGY. This is crucial. Think of your life-force like a ball of light that you have to constantly care of. Imagine yourself holding it between your hands like Aang from avatar. Your energy needs to be protected from outside forces. Have strong boundaries. It needs constant healing or refreshing from external inflictions. It needs work to keep it high and heighten it further. This is the responsibility you must take. If you don't have vital life force – you can't do all you need to do in order to advance your situation, enrich yourself and level up your life. Your energy is everything.

All things relationships related – I have been letting harm my energy. Between melancoly, sadness, disappointment, desire, want, confusion, questioning… I need to LET GO. Focus on my energy and my life. When the divine timing is right, the relationship will happen with the ease and without all that baggage I've been putting up with.

This really is the moment. The pivotal moment. Am I fully convinced? Course not. But let's go with this for now.

It's time to become an artist. A madzer. An all round free-spirit creative wanderer of this city and of this land.

So let's take the first step and leave this pub head to this freakshow!

Life awaits!

PS- Being PERCEPTIVE to the SYNCHRONICITIES. Foxes keep entering my life in symbolic ways. First I found a lil figurine of a fox on the street in Longford. Days later I found a little game-card of a fox on O'Connell bridge in Dublin. The other night at a party I listened to a man explain that love is: "My wife likes foxes. So our house is full of all things foxes; paintings, decorations, statues…" "I don't remember how many years we've been married or what time our daughter was born at. But I know my wife likes foxes. That's love"

Something has just clicked. I've been thinking the fox has entered into my life because there's something about it's spirit I need to learn about and integrate. Maybe that's part of it. But I think it might also just be this lesson of love. If somebody loves you, they will show it – you will know it. It's about the little actions. Like the fox things this man buys his wife on a regular basis. I must keep this lesson close and examine my relationships in my life. 'Does this person really care about me? Would they know I like foxes, if foxes were my thing?

The figurine and card found days apart - placed on my path by higher guides?
Sent to me by him, later in the evening after I had told him earlier that day about the figurine and card... hmm...