What will you feel when your loved one is in the ICU ? Many would not even want to read this blog any further.

"Why should I even think of it ?" you would ask , It is not so pleasant thought.

The ICU is a dark place where battle of life and death is fought every moment. It's hidden from the world, because no one wants to see this side of life .

We want to be in control of our lives, we want it to be perfect , look good . Unknown events and uncertainty unnerves us.

We are conditioned to block out anything to do with death. It's not good to look at.

What we cannot control we do not want to see. We do not wish to see a battle to survive , to live , specially of our loved ones.

Last week I had to see life in the ICU close , my wife had an medical emergency where we had to shift her suddenly at night , first to the ER and then to the ICU.

Just a day before we celebrated Valentine's day out together.

Overnight things changed. I lost control of life and MY plans.

What I saw was in the ICU was ..

Critical patients were on the beds with machines attached that monitored continuously their vitals .

Some people were on machines that take over body functions like breathing.

I saw family members , deep in anxiety as they awaited positive news of their loved ones .

They waited for that one positive word from the doctors, any ray of hope that they get to see.

The doctor's and nurses going about their work , doing what is needed , taking calls on what needs to be done .

And guards outside the ICU are the most important people , they control accessibility and decide if a family member can go inside to be with their close ones.

Some follow rules strictly, some follow their heart.

Staff shifts would change three times , new staff would come in each shift , going about their work, doing the drills of handover, like clockwork .

This is a critical job to be in , they are responsible for saving lives.

There are constant calls on life and death , decisions to be made , tough ones , one small error and ..

The pressure is constant. Yet I could see a calm approach , no panic.

This is a place no one wants to be in , a place no one wants to see , a place where no one wants to see their loved ones in .

Yet this is there.

This is also space where each one of us will go through at some time in life. For self or for loved ones .

It is guaranteed 100%.

I wanted to run away , I wanted to hide if I could .

But there was no option but to be there. To witness the pain.

I could see so many around who were also experiencing the same , some with hope , some who had lost hope.

In deep anxiety at 1 am in the night I messaged Nithya Shanti my friend , he messaged back a note on practising Bodicitta.

There are at this moment countless beings across the world experiencing this very same pain I was experiencing.

There were countless beings before me who would have experienced this pain too.

And there are countless beings in the future who will experience this very same pain.

I am not alone.

The images of all those who I had known who had gone through this pain flashed in my memory.

Could I open up compassion in my heart to experience the pain of all beings past , present , future ?

How could I do that ? My suffering was so big , I have been with my wife for 36 years .

36 years of ups and downs in life every moment being together.

We feel the pain of those close to us , we don't feel the same for others. A news of wars is interesting from far not when it hits our home.

I looked around and saw the faces of those who were in pain on the beds .

What did it feel to be in that place where there is no further glory of the world to be had , no dreams to be chased but every breath is laboured. Where the body is taken over by machines to keep us alive.

I looked at relatives who were waiting I felt their pain . It is a pain that crushes the heart . This was similar to where I was.

I looked at the doctors, felt their pain , it must be such a heavy stress being a doctor in the ICU , what can you tell the relatives who look upto you as God.

They are not Gods but they play the role of Gods in the ICU it is such a heavy burden.

For each one I feel compassion, the doctors , the nurses , the helpers , the guards , the technicians, the people on the beds , the family members who wait.

By experiencing the pain of all who were in pain my pain did not go away. But I had a context for my pain and this did reduce suffering.

I was connected and one with the pain of all beings in the world.

I found Bodicitta in the ICU.